


The Adventure Zone :: Balance

by HarveyDangerfield



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Canon-Typical Violence, D&D, Multi, Novelization
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-01-10 02:05:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12288924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarveyDangerfield/pseuds/HarveyDangerfield
Summary: Ever wished you could read The Adventure Zone instead of listen to it? Ever wish it was a novel, instead of a podcast? Then this is the story for you. Over the course of however long this takes, I will be painstakingly translating TAZ Balance into a readable story, cutting out the ooc chatter, and translating dice rolls into character actions. It'll be a work in progress!





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> let me first say, that I'm not affiliated in any way with the mcelroy brothers (not that i wouldn't literally eat my left foot to be)
> 
> this whole thing is sort of going to be an experiment. i really wanted to try my hand at the idea of writing out the adventure zone. not in a literal way, where every word is taken down verbatim, but more of a story-ized version of it, with deeper descriptions of character actions, inner thoughts and monologues, and unbroken storytelling. i can guarantee at least 99% of the dialogue is going to be word for word, since dialogue is pretty much all the podcast is! but i'll be taking a lot of liberties as I go, cutting out things that aren't necessary to the story that bog down the flow, primarily in the first arc or two before the mcelroys really got into the swing of storytelling, back when they were basically following the book and before griffin weaved the unbelieveable fucking tapestry that is now the Balance Arc 
> 
> with all that out of the way, I sincerely hope you enjoy your read as much as I'm going to enjoy translating this down into novel format! peace out!

Few towns across all of Faerun are as aptly named as Neverwinter. The people who live there are familiar with the oppressive heat that hangs in the air for the majority of the year. The people who live here are hardy and tan, with skin like leather to protect against the mugginess and the flies. The best time of year, according to most of the people who live there, is during the rainy season- the only time of year that anybody can leave their houses comfortably before four pm.

  
  
Immediately following the rainy season comes the time of year with the worst humidity. When the air is so thick the citizens have to swim through it, when the sticky, salty air blows off the ocean and through the coastal town, drenching its inhabitants in sweat and leave them scraping off the layer of white flakes that dries to their skin each and every day.

  
  
Some of the more prestigious families in Neverwinter have access to magical constructs that blow cool air throughout their homes, but for the people who live in the slums in the southern part of the city, no such amenities are readily available for homes. There are some establishments in these areas, typically bars, taverns and inns, that have managed to scrape together enough gold to purchase one- and in doing so, the magical artifacts practically pay for themselves within the month. The amount of people who will flock to these establishments just to escape the swampy air of Neverwinter triples when one such construct is advertised, and usually they’ll bring some business in with them, even if it’s just to enjoy an actually cold beverage for a couple coppers.

  
  
The Lonely Hearts Cantina isn’t known for being the classiest place to go to get a drink in the area, but when the oppressive heat of late afternoon rolls around, patrons inevitably flock to the dive bar just to escape the sweltering air outside for a few hours. They’ll trudge back to their homes sometime after the sun has set, and prepare for the boiling hot day that will come tomorrow, but for a few blissful hours, they get to enjoy the magically chilled air of the cantina, and a drink cold enough to hurt their teeth for a paltry fraction of the price of a magic item that would chill their drinks at home.

  
  
The owner of the bar, a man known only by the name Friendly, keeps his bar as clean as he possibly can. There’s always a little bit of woodrot, just by nature of how humid the area is, and some parts of the upper floor aren’t really safe to walk on during the heat of day unless you really watch where you’re stepping, but he keeps his mugs clean and his floors swept and most importantly, always politely calls out for any newcomers to shut the door behind them when they come inside.

  
  
The polite requests are always heeded, if sometimes with a bit of grumbling, particularly from the dwarf who just walked in. He stands on his tiptoes to grab the door handle and rocks back on his heels to yank the heavy wooden door back into place in its frame, sealing the cold air in and the hot air out. Grabbing his beard by the ends, he flaps it up and down to get some of that cool air under his chin and over his chest as he looks out across the bar with a bright smile, happy to be out of the heat at last.

  
  
Surprisingly, there aren’t a lot of people here tonight. Off in one corner, three people are sitting together sharing a couple drinks between them, clearly uninterested in socializing with anybody else in the bar. Right smack in the middle of the tavern, a very large human man with muscles as big as the dwarf’s whole body sits, whittling a duck out of a block of wood with a small knife, and off in another corner, a young person of both indeterminate gender and race sits slumped with a large pointed hat pulled down over their face, pushing their meal around with a fork and occasionally cursing, loudly.

  
  
The trio looks the most promising. Hoisting up his belt of pouches full of pan-phlets, he walks over to the group with their backs turned to him, unbothered by their clearly antisocial nature. Upon seeing the dwarf waddle over, the trio look up at him and glance him over judgmentally, and then simply ignore him, and go back to their conversation. The dwarf either doesn’t get the hint or he doesn’t care, because he introduces himself brightly as Merle Highchurch, and starts trying to hand out little tracts about the fairly well-known nature god, Pan.

  
  
Sensing the tension, the bartender scoots around his bar and comes over to the trio and the dwarf harassing them. In a gentle voice from which he earned his namesake, Friendly puts a hand on the dwarf’s shoulder and says,

  
  
“Hey, bud. Listen, we don’t really like that sort of stuff to happen in here. We’re trying to create a safe environment where people can come and get away from the heat. Maybe just try to tone down on the preaching?”

  
  
The dwarf lays three of those tracts down on the table in front of the trio, humbly suggesting that they take them home and look them over. And if they feel particularly moved, he’s going to be hosting a small bonfire and sermon down by the river, and he’d be delighted if they would attend. Pulling out a fourth, he hands it to the bartender himself.

  
  
“Look, just read this and leave me alone,” he says, as the pan-phlet trades hands. “And get me a beer.”

  
  
“Alright, bud,” the bartender says, “Why don’t you just have a seat. Do you actually have any money?”

  
  
“Uh,” the dwarf looks nervous. “No- but!”

  
  
“Terrific. Terrific,” the bartender sighs.

  
  
“Damn it!” comes another curse from the person hunkered down in the corner of the tavern alone, catching both the dwarf and the bartender off guard. Glancing over at the person, they catch sight of some kind of magic shooting off the figure’s fingertips. Their meal of beef stew is erratically changing, first into bread, then a head of cabbage, and finally the table itself suddenly transforms first into glass, and then into one solid slab of cooked beef.

  
  
Distracted for a moment from the dwarf, the exhausted bartender comes over to the stranger in the corner. He clasps his hands together, trying to remain calm.

  
  
“Hey bud, I can’t help but notice you turned this entire table into beef,” he says, forcing a polite smile. “We actually spent a lot of money commissioning these tables,  if you could stop turning the things in our establishment into beef and glass.”

  
  
The figure hunched over the table pulls out a book, and flips through the pages, looking for something written in the margins. In a lilting and tired voice, the still obscured figure says,

  
  
“I’m trying to find- I _know_ there’s a way to change it back, I’ll figure it out.”

  
  
“Yeah, if you could just do that, or else I’m gonna have to charge you for the beef table,” says Friendly, clapping his hands together.

  
  
The figure falters at that. “Well that’s- I mean- lots of people like beef tables.”

  
  
The bartender immediately cuts them off. “No, that’s not true at all. Lot of people saying a lot of untrue shit in my bar tonight.”

  
  
“I’ll try,” the figure says with an exasperated tone, still keeping their head bowed so the brim of their big floppy hat covers their face. While the bartender is distracted, the dwarf leans across the bar to snag a half-empty bottle of ale, and scurries off to a table to sit with his back turned, hoping to finish it off before Friendly notices it’s gone.

  
  
The door opens again and Friendly barks in a slightly less friendly tone for the entering figure to close it behind him. The gnome sheepishly pulls the door closed, before crossing the bar towards a large board tacked up on the far wall of the cantina. He stands up on his tiptoes in order to hammer a flyer onto the board, among the many other flyers pinned up, advertising various things, with little paper tabs at the bottom for patrons to take that list the poster’s address for contacting.

  
  
The gnome clears his throat and declares to the pretty empty bar, “My name is Craig, and my list is updated! New jobs, new jobs, new jobs!” and with that, he walks out of the bar.

  
  
Before anybody else in the cantina has a chance to react, one of the three people sitting at the table in the corner stands up, and tears the entire flyer off the board. He carries it back over to his friends, ignoring the large human man as he stands up curiously and watches him return to his table. They whisper to one another about the promising nature of the job, and barely notice the human man as he crosses the bar over to their table. He catches the tail end of their whispered conversation.

  
  
“-boy howdy, this would be a great opportunity for us.”

  
  
“Yeah, I think we should jump on this, you guys. Let’s get out of here, we should get in touch with this Gundren fella.”

  
  
Finally they notice the man looming over their table, and the human sitting at the table looking over the flyer raises his head to look up at him. He’s quite possibly the most beautiful and well groomed man that has ever been in this tavern, let alone locked eyes with the curious onlooker.

  
  
“Can I help you, sir?” he asks, somewhat testily.

  
  
“Yes, hello folks!” the onlooker greets him warmly. “I was also interested in finding work. I was wondering if I may peruse the paper- or maybe perhaps join you?”

  
  
The handsome man laughs. “And split the wages four ways? I don’t think so, sir. I think that we’ve got this one pretty soundly handled. You can see right on the paper, it calls for a trio of adventurers, and we fit the bill.”

  
  
From his spot by the door with the stolen bottle of ale, the dwarf glances over curiously as the conversation grows slightly in volume. He hops down off his chair and waddles across the cantina, the bottle hidden in his bag. Before he can even open his mouth to greet them, the figure in the corner cries out again,

  
  
“Damn it!”

  
  
The handsome human looks back away from the yelling figure, towards the human, down to the dwarf, and then back up at the human. “Anyway. I think we’ve got this one handled.”

  
  
“I think that would be up to the employer, don’t you think?” the rugged man protests, crossing his arms over his chest. “I would also like to look at the paper.”

  
  
Quickly, the paper is stuffed away in his bag. “No, I think we’ve got it. Why don’t you just wait for the next career opportunity that comes around, and-”

  
  
He’s cut off when the red-haired man slams a fist the size of a donkey’s head down on the table, rattling plates and silverware and sloshing drinks onto the table. Dead silence falls over the tavern and the trio lean back in their seats, hands over their chests in alarm. Even Friendly doesn’t seem to want to handle this one, he stays behind the bar, frantically drying a stain on a tankard, waiting to see if it will escalate. The human man is significantly larger than him. He’s ejected drunkards and ruffians in the past, but never one as large as the man with his fist on the table.

  
  
In a firm, but still surprisingly calm voice, the redhead repeats, “I would like to look at the paper, please.”

  
  
The handsome man regains his composure first, but he seems nervous. “N...no? I told you, me and my partners here- actually, perhaps we could alleviate some of this tension if we just introduced ourselves. I’m Romulus.”

  
  
“My name is Fran,” says the woman to his left. “And I’m the best damn cleric there ever was.”

  
  
“And my name’s Hambone,” says the smaller man to her left, his voice thickly obscured by the beaver-like teeth that take up most of his mouth. “And I can cast spells and stuff.”

  
  
“Excellent. Nice to meet you all,” the redhead seems impatient. “My name is Magnus. This is the last time I’ll say please.”

  
  
The tension is broken by another outcry from the figure in the corner of “Damn it!”

  
  
Taking advantage of the short silence that follows the outburst, the dwarf speaks up. “Yeah, I’d kind of like to see the flyer myself.”

  
  
Romulus places his hands on the table. “Boys, listen. These flyers get posted every day. We got to this one first, I don’t want to get into blows with the two of you-”

  
“Now you listen here, beautiful gentleman,” Magnus interrupts. “If I don’t-”

  
  
“DAMN IT!” this time, it makes everyone jump.

  
  
“Okay! Sir!” Romulus stands up, looking over at the figure in the corner. “I’m going to have to ask you to keep your mouth shut. You’re being extremely loud and interrupting our argument.”

  
  
“I’m sorry,” the figure mutters, clutching their bowl of what now appears to be cottage cheese.

  
  
Finally sensing that he has to intervene, Friendly walks over, draping his towel over his shoulder. “Listen guys, it sort of seems like you guys are about to come to blows or something, I gotta say, at Lonely Hearts Cantina we do not allow combat.”

  
  
“This is perfect,” Magnus claps a large hand to the bartender’s back. If he can’t beat them, he supposes he has no choice but to join them. “Would you join us? That would make us a trio.”

  
  
The dwarf doesn’t look convinced, as he looks up at the somewhat waify bartender. Scanning the bar, his attention turns to the table where the cursing figure in the pointy hat is slumped. “Hey, wizard guy!” he calls over.

  
  
Sighing, the figures lifts their head, revealing they’re a young elf man. He figured he would get dragged into this eventually. So much for an evening of quiet obscurity with a bowl of stew. He stands up, cloak unfurling off his shoulders and walks over. “Yeah. It’s Taako, actually.”

  
  
“ _Taako?”_ Magnus’ head whips around towards the elf, recognizing the name instantly. “From the cooking show?”

  
  
“Uh, yeah-”

  
  
“We used to love your show in Raven’s Roost,” Magnus can recall when the show blew through his home several years ago, when the elf wizard dazzled the crowd with impressive displays of culinary showmanship out of a beautifully painted stagecoach.

  
  
“Right. Yeah, I remember Raven’s Roost,” the elf says in a vague tone. It’s unclear if he actually does. “Best audiences in the world. Anyway, listen, I’ll go do an adventure thing with you guys, because,” he glances back over his shoulder at the disaster of his dinner. “Because I _can’t eat._ And I’m _hungry_. And if I go with you, you have to feed me.”

  
  
“Sounds like a deal!” Magnus says. “And now we’re three, and you have no excuse not to share the paper with us.”

  
  
“Well, we’re not going to. So,” Romulus says haughtily.

  
  
“Could we play a game for it?” Merle suggests.

  
  
That catches the human’s attention. “Now there’s an idea. If you guys are truly the better adventurers for this task, I will certainly give this job to you. Because at the end of the day, that’s what matters the most to Romulus, that a job gets done, and it gets done well. I don’t think we can just fight it out, because Friendly here’s being a real stick in the mud. So why don’t we each prove our adventuring worth in a series of challenges?”

  
  
“Name your terms,” the elf crosses his arms, cocking out a hip.

  
  
The trio all turn to eachother, whispering quietly under their breath and glancing back over at Merle, Magnus and Taako every few seconds. Finally they turn back to the other three.

  
  
“I tell you what, how about you and I go first,” Romulus says to Magnus. “We should prove who the better fighter is with a good old-fashioned arm wrestling match. What do you say?”

  
  
Magnus doesn’t even hesitate, and clears off a table to sit at, already perching his elbow up on the wood and folding his other arm behind his back. He looks very, very smug about this whole situation, but Romulus doesn’t falter as he takes up a spot opposite him across the table, and they lock hands.

  
  
“I should warn you,” he taunts, flexing his arm so Magnus can see. “Last time I arm wrestled a man, I ripped that entire half of his body completely off.”

  
  
Magnus smirks. “The last time someone challenged me, I freed an entire town from a tyrant.”

  
  
Taako and Merle exchange looks behind the pair. They haven’t even started arm wrestling yet. Are they just going to jib the whole time? It happens so suddenly that they almost miss it, but their heads whip around at the sound of a hand slamming down to the table. Magnus, apparently effortlessly, has pinned Romulus’ arm down, leaving the other man looking very shocked.

  
  
“I am bested,” he sighs.

  
  
“Okay, I guess I’m gonna have to do a little bit better than that,” Fran says, standing up and dusting off her clothes. She turns to the dwarf with a smirk. “Come on, shortround. Let’s do this thing.”

  
  
She snatches a wine glass off the bar and sets it down in the middle of a table as she names her terms. Both she and the dwarf will try to invoke their respective God’s will to get them to knock the cup off the table, and whoever succeeds first, wins. It’s not the most riveting thing to watch in the world, the other patrons in the bar seem a little bored as the two of them bow their heads in reverence and murmur whispered prayers to their gods, hoping to get one of them to knock over the cup.

  
The tankard teeters a little, but stays upright. Rolling his eyes, Taako invisibly casts mage hand, knocking the glass clear across the room where it shatters against the wall, much to the surprised of everyone watching, including Fran.

  
  
“Ho-lee shit!” she exclaims. “You done devastated that there bit of glassware.”

  
  
“Don’t worry guys,” Hambone interjects. “ If we’re just making up rules, then I say it’s all or nothing. Let’s do this, Master Chef Jr. I’ll even let you choose your challenge. Would you rather have a contest of riddles? Or... or we could play beer pong, or something.”

  
  
Taako can only laugh. “I feel like you’re wanting me to say riddles. So I’ll go with that.”

  
  
Needless to say, the rather flippant and spit-spraying wizard isn’t the most incredible riddle-smith who ever lived. His attempt at a riddle “what has no eyes” is handled pretty summarily by Taako, who had a very wide range of items without any eyes for him to pick from, and won by settling on tomato. Hambone seemed shocked that Taako had unraveled his riddle, while the elf exchanged glances with Merle and Magnus. He tries to get Taako to give him one back, to make it two out of three, and the elf doesn’t exactly seem thrilled, but Magnus gives him a thumbs up and gestures for him to keep going.

  
  
Taako flounders for a moment. In retrospect, picking anything but riddles might have been better, but it’s probably too late to pick beer pong. He clasps his hands together, and really blows it out his ass. “What... is... the answer to... this riddle.”

  
  
This stumps the other wizard. He looks back at his friends, who shrug and shake their heads. He looks over at Friendly, who is blatantly avoiding eye contact with any of the people causing shenanigans in his bar. He looks over at the other two men with Taako, both of whom seem just as confused as he does.

  
  
“It’s the unsolvable riddle,” Hambone says, exasperated. “I never thought I would meet anybody else who knew the unsolveable riddle. Of course you’ve bested me, sir. You’ve proven yourself the best riddlemaster. I guess I’ll just stay unemployed... I really could have used the job.”

  
  
Taako snatches the flyer off the table, won fair and square. “Well, you should have thought of that before you didn’t win.”

  
  
He carries it over to the other two as the trio gathers up their things and shame-facedly make their way out of the cantina, muttering about how they might as well look to see if there’s any jobs to be had in Phandalin.

  
  
“You know, we work pretty well together, you guys,” Merle says, looking up at the two much taller men as they glance over the flyer together. “Maybe we should form a team.”

  
  
“Uh, no,” Magnus says, pretty much immediately, and he hands the flyer down for Merle to read.

  
  
The flyer advertises for a job from a man named Gundren Rockseeker, promising “the last job you’ll ever need to take.”


	2. Here There Be Gerblins - Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was my first attempt at translating dice rolls into seamless character action. it was a bit of a challenge, so im open for constructive criticism if it felt clunky or didn't flow well, if you have any advice for how I can do better I'd love to hear it! 
> 
> obviously im still taking some liberties as i go, i'll be adding little bits of dialogue here and there to help move the story along, to fill in some of the gaps of plot-establishing ooc chatter, or just to add some interest and continuity. please bear with me while i get into the swing of this!

It’s fortuitous, honestly, that the three of them found one another in the way that they did. The evening was perhaps a little bit simultaneously dramatic and underwhelming, and they’d individually woken up the next morning fully expecting that the other two would have left, and find to their great surprise that they’re all still hanging around the inn the next day.

  
  
Whether it be fate, some kind of guiding force, or just a desperation for gold, the three of them pursue the man by the name on the flyer. Gundren Rockseeker, as it turns out, is distantly related to Merle, which puts them in a different tavern the next night, going over the details of the mission over drinks.

  
  
The mission seems promising enough. Gundren himself seems like a fairly straight-laced man, trustworthy and business-minded. His words are well-chosen albeit few, as he describes to them the job he’d tasked Craig with posting up in every inn and tavern around Neverwinter.

  
  
Despite the framing of the job being ‘the last job you’ll ever need to take’ being somewhat ominous, Taako, Merle and Magnus find themselves with open minds (and empty pockets.) Honestly they would have taken just about any job, as evidenced by how handily they humiliated themselves the previous night just to take a crack at possibly, maybe getting the job. They can only hope that ‘the last job you’ll ever need to take’ means riches, rather than death.

  
  
Getting the actual details out of him has proven to be a challenge, however. He keeps gesturing in vague terms, keeping his voice to a low grumble and staring suspiciously around them. He tells them that he won’t give them the job until he’s absolutely sure they can handle it, and tasks them first with escorting a carriage of goods from Neverwinter to Phandalin, with the promise that if they meet up successfully in that town, he’ll tell them the full story of the mission he has for them.

  
  
Phandalin isn’t exactly an impressive town these days, and the road there from Neverwinter isn’t terribly well traveled, so they don’t expect it would be much of a problem. It used to be a pretty significant metropolis of a mining down, in which the people worked tirelessly to mine the magic ores they discovered beneath the town, but somewhat recently it was ransacked by a band of orcs that swept over the land, and they were forced to build their town back up- a process they’re going to help by bringing them supplies.

  
  
Gundren himself is very invested in the rebirth of this town, and makes it clear that this task of transporting goods isn’t a small one. It may seem run of the mill, but he assures them that this is all the information he’ll need to know about them to confirm whether they’re fit for the real job. It’s only a two or three day ride, depending on how fast they move, and he swears up and down that he expects no trouble. It does feel a bit like cheap labor, with only ten gold pieces up front for each of them, but if this job is as prestigious as Gundren makes it out to sound, they could do free labor for a year and still make enough gold during this job to set them up for life. He sets out half a day beforehand with his escort, a man who didn’t meet them at the tavern, named “Barry Bluejeans” of all things, and told them one last time before heading out that his job would bring them riches they couldn’t even fathom.

  
  
Following his lead, Merle Magnus and Taako set out the next day with all the supplies for “Barthen’s Provisions” in Phandalin, and some of Gundren’s own personal effects, including his bulldog Ruby, loaded up into a canvas-covered Conestoga wagon. Magnus sits at the front on the perch, holding the reins attached to two strong oxen, while Merle and Taako lounge in the back. Merle takes the time to go over his spellbook, making notes in the margins, while Taako eyeballs a bag of apples appraisingly, wondering if he could get away with eating one.

  
  
Their journey is as boring as it is uneventful, the most exciting thing to happen is when they’ll hit a pothole here and there. They’d turned off the high road onto a side path that branches away from the coast towns, curving inland towards Phandalin. It isn’t as nicely maintained as the main road, and occasionally Taako and Merle will be woken from their half-dozes by a solid jostle, or getting a crate or sack to the stomach.

  
  
As they pass a wooden sign that lets them know they’re about 40 miles out from Phandalin, Magnus immediately feels a pit drop in his stomach. About 200 feet up the road, there’s some kind of blockage, and even though he can’t quite make it out from this distance, the hair on his arms is already standing up. He warns the other two in the back that something’s up, and they crawl up towards him to peer out the front end of the wagon, leaning on the short wooden wall that keeps them from falling out onto the road. It’s hard for them to see past Magnus, but they too catch sight of the blockade in the road.

  
  
The closer they draw to the figures, they can make them out as two dead horses, lying smack in the middle of the road. “Seems fine,” Magnus quips sarcastically, looking all around the road for any sign of what could have killed them, and he pulls the wagon to a stop. He catches sight of a pair of figures crouching in the shadows of the trees at the side of the road, scurrying up to the side of their stopped wagon with weapons drawn.

  
  
“Goblins!” Magnus warns, easily spotting the third one hidden in the trees about 40 feet away. Merle and Taako scramble to get out of the wagon, lest they be caught prone in its tiny canvas enclosure.

  
  
Merle’s hands immediately burst into flame, and he slings his arm forward, launching a sphere of sacred fire through the air. It crashes into the chest of the goblin closest to the wagon, and he immediately catches fire, his leather armor going up in flame in a matter of seconds. He shrieks and immediately drops to the ground, frantically trying to put himself out in the dusty road. When the last of the flames go out, he’s too exhausted to move, and doesn’t bother trying to stand up.

  
  
Without missing a beat, Taako spins effortlessly, kicking up a tiny whirlwind of dust around his heel, and puts a little extra oomph into the blast of ice that shoots out of his hand, directly towards the prone goblin. His face is illuminated by the ray of blue light, and they can see his expression for just a split second before his entire body is obliterated into icy chunks.

  
  
The second goblin doesn’t even seem to falter at his companion’s death. He doesn’t even break his stride, charging towards the cart with his weapon drawn and raised. His path is abruptly halted when some 250+ pounds of human warrior leaps off the cart and comes crashing down right on top of him. The goblin doesn’t even have time to react before Magnus’ axe comes down on top of his head with such force, it cleaves him right down in half between his legs, spraying the adventurer with blood.

  
  
The third goblin pokes his head out of the trees to investigate the death rattles of his companions, and his expression instantly goes ice cold, as all the healthy green glow leaves his face. With frantically shaking hands, he draws his shortbow and pulls an arrow out of his quiver. Magnus turns back to his traveling companions just in time to see a flaming arrow go flying through the air in Taako’s direction.

  
  
Thinking quickly, Taako blasts the arrow away from him with a simple draft spell, but in its course correction, it twangs instead into the side of the canvas, and the fire begins to spread. The goblin seems pleased with this, and as soon as he can see the adventurers distracted by the fire, he turns and sprints into the trees, hoping to put some distance between them and hopefully preserve his life.

  
  
“Get that fire!” Merle shouts back at the other two as he starts to book it in the goblin’s direction, hand axe raised aloft. Magnus and Taako share a brief, frantic look as Merle vanishes into the trees. He can’t quite see through the thickness of the trees, but he hears rustling and without even pausing to aim, he slings his axe through the air with all the strength in his arm.

  
  
The goblin screams and collapses into the underbrush, and he’s dead by the time Merle catches up with him to collect the axe he’d embedded blindly into the back of his neck. He rustles back out of the trees to find Magnus holding Taako up by the waist so he can put out the small fire in the canvas, and sighs in relief.

  
  
“Great work, guys,” he says, tossing a bag of coins he’d found on the goblin. Magnus catches the bag and peers inside with an appraising nod. “We gotta check out these horses, I’m afraid they might belong to Gundren.”

  
  
The flies lift off the horses as the trio approaches with matching grimaces. Their bodies are limp and littered with what look like arrow holes, seeping fluids and already bloating in the hot midday sun. The arrows have all been collected- whoever shot the horses were clearly prudent archers.

  
  
“This didn’t happen very long ago,” Merle announces as Magnus stoops to pick up the dead goblin’s short bow, turning it over curiously in his hand. With a shrug, he loops it over his shoulder, along with the somewhat shoddy arrows.

  
  
Taako crouches down among the scattered empty bags and boxes lying around the dead horses, and scoots away a bit of broken wood, uncovering an empty, uncovered leather map tube. It was slung over Gundren’s shoulder the night before in the tavern, and gives him an unsettled feeling in his stomach.

  
  
“Uh, guys,”he stands up, tossing it over to Merle.

  
  
Merle sighs. “I didn’t want to believe it, but I was afraid he might have something else going on.”

  
  
Taako nods distantly as he slowly follows a track through the dirt, where it looks like bodies have been dragged. “I don’t think they’re dead,” he announces to the other two as he loses the track in the grass. “Should we follow?”

  
  
Magnus makes a noise. “I don’t know, we have a cart packed to the brim with goods,” he says, looking back over his shoulder. “I don’t think we should just leave that sitting out here.”

  
  
Merle and Taako nod in agreement. The process of dragging the cart into the brush to hide it is painstaking, and tying up the oxen so they don’t wander off is risky at best, but it would be pointless to go to Phandalin without Gundren being there- he was the whole reason they were even going in the first place. They cover some of the whiter parts of the canvas with broken branches from the ground, and once they’re certain nobody will be able to see the wagon from the road, they plunge deeper into the trees.

  
  
Lucky for them, Gundren is a pretty hefty guy, so even some hours later after being dragged through the loam, his indentation is clearly visible. Perhaps the least comforting part about all of this is the fact that this very track leads them right to the mouth of an open cave, with a stream flowing out and threading through the trees. There’s a clearly trodden path along the right side of the cave, stretching deeper inside, past the point they can easily see without a light source.

  
  
Sighing, Merle casts a simple light spell on the head of Magnus’ axe so the poor human with his inferior eyes will be able to see in the dark, and they head into the cave. Magnus leads the way, his axe lit and raised to illuminate the area. The deeper they plunge, the darker it gets, until the very last vestiges of natural light are gone, and they have to rely completely on the soft white glow coming from Magnus’ axe.

  
  
The river, thankfully, drowns out any noise they might cast as they move down the passageway running parallel to the stream. It isn’t very deep, but it’s quite loud in the tunnel, and it effectively masks any sounds of their boots or armor or weapons clanking around. The effect on the noise in here is eerie, every sound is like a dome, coming from every direction at once, including overhead. Pebbles fall from the ceiling and plunk into the water, and as they pass a corridor to their left across the river all caved in with rubble, a small cascade of pebbles shower down, clicking and scattering into the water.

  
  
Merle suddenly grabs Magnus’ arm to keep him from moving forward. Magnus whips his head around to look back at the dwarf, who puts a finger to his lips and then points overhead. Off in the near distance, barely illuminated by the light from this distance, the faint outline of some kind of overpass stands out against the inky darkness of the cave. A bridge is stretched between two openings well over their heads, and on it, the even fainter outline of a figure.

  
  
Taako creeps up between the two and stares off into the darkness. He catches the outline of long pointed ears, and given what happened not an hour earlier, he can pretty well deduce that the figure is a goblin. They won’t be able to pass without alerting him, so he gives a look between Magnus and Merle. They don’t have any idea how fucking lucky they are to be traveling with an elf who knows Goblin.

  
  
Clearing his throat, he speaks up in the gravelly language of goblins, “Hello friend! Hail and well met!”

  
  
The goblin gives a questioning grunt, sitting up in the darkness. “Who’s there? You don’t sound like anybody I know.”

  
  
Taako hadn’t actually thought ahead this far. He gives both Merle and Magnus panicked looks. “We’re just exploring- we took a wrong turn,” he says dumbly, grimacing at his own words. He really should have thought of something before opening his mouth.

  
  
“You certainly have,” answers the goblin, rather politely, while Magnus and Merle exchange dumbfounded looks. Neither of them had any idea that the weird transmutation wizard they picked up in a tavern could speak Goblin of all things. “I would actually heartily recommend you turn around. You’re in our hideout. You’re making me extremely uncomfortable- I don’t know who you are, what you’re doing--”

  
  
“My name is Taako,” the elf interrupts, briefly stomping on Magnus’ foot when he feels him shifting like he plans to run out and mount an attack. “A friend of ours was taken, and his horses were killed. We’re searching for our friend.”

  
  
A tone of dawning realization comes over the goblin. “Ohh, shit. Yeah, we... did that-” he stands up, and his voice pitches up, sounding frantic as he calls down the passageway. “Hey, guys! Someone’s here! Guys, it’s the guys from the horse thing!”

  
  
“Great job, Taako,” Magnus thumps him on the chest, as a ruckus starts up down the corridor they’re facing in the distance.

  
  
“Hey, at least I tried,” Taako slaps him on the chest right back, much less effectively. 

  
The cave does nothing to dampen noise, and they can hear the distant racket almost as if it’s right on top of them. Magnus tightens his grip on his axe, focusing his eyes down the length of the cave, but the light doesn’t quite illuminate far enough to see. He can at least tell that nobody is coming, at least not immediately. He slinks under the bridge with his axe raised in one hand and his shield in the other, ready to bring it down on the first person who shows himself.

  
  
Merle’s hands begin to glow and he shoots a volley of sparkles that zing through the air and hit Magnus like a wave of water, glimmering like a layer of fairy dust over his skin and armor. He glances down at the effect and then back at Merle’s glowing hands, and they share a thumbs up.

  
  
The goblin overhead on the bridge seems intimidated by the glowing shield around Magnus, who is clearly already wearing a significant amount of armor, and he turns his eyes towards Merle instead. Whipping a short bow off his back, he lets an arrow fly in Merle’s direction. The dwarf tries to dodge out of the way, but the arrow burrows into his shoulder with a wet sound. With a cry of anguish, Merle is knocked back on his ass, and Magnus’ shield flickers, but he manages to keep one hand raised aloft. Taako drops to his knees beside Merle, inspecting the wound with nimble hands.

  
  
“I’m fine, get him,” Merle cups his other hand around the shaft of the arrow in his shoulder, panting hard. Without needing to be told twice, Taako jumps to his feet, his hands already crackling with ice before he’s even upright. Launching a ray of frost at the goblin on the bridge, he throws enough force into it that his feet scrape back against the cave floor. The goblin is knocked back against the wall with a cry of pain, and only barely manages to keep his feet under him. Staggering forward, he grips the spoke of the bridge just to stay upright, panting hard.

  
  
In the distance down the cave, there’s a loud creak, followed by a heavy slamming sound, and the goblin overhead chuckles wickedly. “Now you’re gonna get it,” he says, his voice drowned out by a massive rushing sound, growing louder by the second.

  
  
Magnus’ stomach drops squarely out his ass and he barely has time to look back over his shoulder at his companions before they’re overcome. Water rushes down the corridor, splashing up against the walls and tumbling down the cave right towards them. Spinning on his heels, he sprints back in the direction of his companions, already nocking an arrow as he goes, while Taako frantically tries to pull Merle to his feet. He fires the bolt up at the goblin without any time to really aim- but it hits him squarely in the chest anyway. The goblin stumbles back, cupping a hand to the wound and barely gurgles out a strained,

  
  
“Wow, you guys weren’t kidding,” before falling down off the bridge and landing in the oncoming torrent of water.

  
  
Magnus grabs both Taako and Merle by the scruff of their necks with barely seconds to spare and throws them both towards the bridge with all his might. Merle cries out in pain as the shaft of the arrow in his shoulder cracks against the rock, breaking off and leaving a much smaller bolt sticking out of his body. He’s unable to keep his grip on the slippery rocks and falls back down, landing flat on his back, just as the water overtakes them.

  
  
Taako is able to keep his grip only barely, scrambling up the wall with agility even he didn’t know he had, gripping the ropes of the bridge to hoist himself up and roll over the edge. He doesn’t even have time to turn back around and look over the ledge before his companions are taken by the wall of rushing water. It blasts into both Merle and Magnus, throwing the goblin into the human and knocking him over off his feet. Magnus throws his hands out and takes hold of a crag in the wall with all his might, barely dragging his head up over the water level. His axe, strapped to his back, casts eerie wavering light through the water up over the walls and ceiling of the corridor, and with it he catches sight of Merle, struggling to keep his own head over the water.

  
  
With a glance up at the panicked Taako on the bridge, Magnus makes a snap decision and pushes off the wall, lunging across the narrow corridor. The water takes him for a few feet before he crashes into the opposite wall, and scrambles for a handhold, just as Merle’s grip weakens and fails him. He’s swept back into Magnus’ chest, and the human presses him against the wall, bearing down on the dwarf to pin him in place as the water rushes past them at gale force.

  
  
Merle clings tightly to Magnus, ducking his head down between their shoulders to try and gasp for breath, but the air is knocked out of his lungs when Magnus’ grip on the rocks is torn away, and they’re both dragged by the water. They can just barely hear Taako’s cry over the sound of the rushing water as they’re buffeted against the rocks. Scraping over the ground as the water level sinks and deposits them, drenched and cold and in pain on the cave floor, it’s Merle who manages to wobble to his hands and knees first, coughing and hacking up a lung.

  
  
“You okay Taako?” he calls up the cave.

  
  
“I’m fine!” Taako’s voice echoes back down the corridor, but they’ve been dragged far enough back that he’s out of sight. The elf whips his head around at the sound of goblin-speak from farther up the cave, his heart pounding.

  
  
“Did we get ‘em?” the voice echoes down the cave.

  
  
Thinking fast, Taako responds back in goblin, making his voice as gruff as he possibly can. “Yes! We definitely got them!”

  
  
He slumps back against the wall, and gives Magnus and Merle a thumbs up as they come shambling back up the corridor, panting hard and looking significantly worse for wear. Merle is practically dead on his feet, leaning his weight heavily to the side on Magnus as they shuffle back up to where they’d been ripped from, stepping over the body of the goblin on the way.

  
  
It’s going to be exhausting to keep going from here, but they don’t really have much of a choice if the want to rescue Gundren. 


	3. Here There Be Gerblins - Chapter Two

Merle, as it turns out, is pretty much a baby when it comes to pain. Magnus had to dig the arrow out of his shoulder before they could move forward, and practically had to cover his entire face with his hand to keep his protestations of pain from echoing down the cave. With the bleeding stemmed, Magnus and Taako work together to boost and hoist Merle up to the overpass, and Magnus climbs up right after. They’re all pretty winded, but they don’t have much time to spare.

  
  
From one end of the bridge is the sound of rushing water, and they’re all pretty much fed up on water. The stream under them is finally shallowing out from the flood that came from deeper in the cave, but Merle and Magnus are still soaked to the bone in the frigid air of the cave.

  
  
So they turn the other way, crossing the rickety bridge and creeping down the corridor towards the sound of hushed voices and the smell of roasting meat. Taako slips ahead to peek around the corner, taking care to keep in the shadows so he doesn’t alert anybody to his presence as he takes in the scene. The chamber stretching out from his hiding place is a two-leveled natural steppe, the back half of the area taken up by an overhang about ten feet up with a natural staircase hugging the wall to the right. On the ground floor, three goblins sit around a fire roasting the leg of something with a hoof, and up on the overhang he spots a fourth goblin rummaging through a chest beside the tied up figure of an unconscious human man, with his back turned to the rest of the chamber.

  
  
Taako looks back over his shoulder to wave his companions over, so they can all peer inside the room together. Magnus whispers, his voice drowned out by the fire crackling between the lounging goblins, “Okay, here’s the plan- I’ll rush past the guys there, and Taako, you mage hand the prisoner up there into my arms-”

  
  
“No dice,” Taako whispers back. “Can’t move something that heavy. 10 pounds, brother.”

  
  
“Shit, okay,” Magnus hisses, looking back into the room.

  
  
“What if Taako and I attack the guys on the floor,” Merle suggests in a low rumble. “And you can get the guy up top.”

  
  
“I worry that if we give them the chance to regroup, that guy will attack his prisoner, or use him against us,” Taako murmurs back. “I could just shoot him, though.”

  
  
“I like this plan,” Magnus nods. “Taako, magic missile. Merle, get the guys on the ground. I’m gonna run up to the precipice.”

  
  
With a polite ‘after you’ gesture, Taako’s hands begin to glow. He rubs them together to really get the static arcing between his finger tips, and then focusing out the tip of his wand in a glowing projectile. It branches off into three, streaking through the air and illuminating the chamber until all three of them crash into the goblin on the upper level in a shower of sparks, knocking him clear off his feet. He scrambles back upright, clutching his chest, and screams down at the goblins on the ground, who all struggle to right themselves from their prone, relaxed positions in a hurry.

  
  
Magnus slings his bow off his shoulder as Merle rushes forward to take advantage of the prone goblins and nocks an arrow to his finger. He blows out a single, relaxed breath, and lets it fly. The arrow zings through the air and sticks in that same goblin’s neck, and with a choked gasp of surprise, he staggers and falls off the edge with a heavy slap.

  
  
Merle raises his hammer overhead in both hands as he runs forward, bringing it down on the goblin nearest to him. There’s a cracking of bone, but he manages to jump to his feet just after, looming out over Merle and swinging an arm down to claw him, which glances off his heavy leather armor leaving him without a scratch. Rushing past him with a scimitar raised, the second goblin lunges at Magnus and slings his blade through the air. With a spray of blood, he manages to catch Magnus in the arm and shoulder, slicing right through the leather strap that holds on his pauldron and sending it spinning across the stone floor, while the third goblin takes the opportunity to scramble towards the ramp leading up to the second level.

  
  
Seizing the unconscious human by the collar of his shirt, he holds him halfway out over the ledge and in gruff but flawless common, demands, “Put your weapons down.”

  
  
Grimacing, the three adventurers look at each other, unsure of what to do. They don’t want to lose the prisoner- so with mixed feelings, they drop their weapons at their feet, while the other two goblins sneer and circle them.

  
  
“The three of you strike me as... businessmen,” the goblin’s pointy teeth scissor in his mouth as he speaks. “Is that a fair assumption?”

  
  
“I love business,” Taako says, before either of his teammates have a chance to say anything stupid.

  
  
“I don’t think anybody in this room wants to get stabbed any more than we already have been,” the goblin smiles wickedly. “I have a proposition for you.”

  
  
“Okay, hit us,” Magnus puts his hands on his hips, sharing a wary glance with his companions.

  
  
“I will let you leave this cave,” the goblin begins. “With your Barry Bluejeans alive and unharmed, if you do me one small favor. I want you to depose our current employer, whose name is Klarg. I need you to murder Klaarg for me. I’m sure you’re wondering, ‘what’s in it for me?’ I’ve already told you this, it’s Barry Bluejeans.”

  
  
Taako looks back at Magnus and Merle. “Do either of you know who Barry Bluejeans, or even care?”

  
  
Merle rubs his chin and Magnus squints. “I’m almost certain he was whats-his-face’s buddy.”

  
  
“He was,” Merle confirms. “He was the mercenary he hired. He might know where Gundren is.”

  
  
Magnus turns his attention back up to the goblin. “Excuse me, Mister goblin,”

  
  
“Yes, what is your name?” the goblin asks. “Forgive me, how rude of me.”

  
  
“Oh, uh, Magnus Burnsides,” he says, looking taken aback by the goblin’s manners. “And what is your name?”

  
  
“You can call me Yeemick,” the goblin smiles.

  
  
“Yeemick, why do you want us to depose Klarg?” Magnus says, asking the obvious question. “Is it a power grab?”

  
  
“Let’s call him a new hire,” Yemic says. “A transfer. From the ‘home office.’ Let’s just say there are certain goblins in this institution who are not Klarg’s biggest fan.”

  
  
“I have a question, I hate to interrupt,” Taako raises a finger. “Is it far away?”

  
  
“Oh, no, it’s in this very cave,” Yeemick smiles. “In a lofty antechamber. On the other side- we could continue this fight, and I will drop Barry Bluejeans to his death.”

  
  
Magnus looks back at his companions, and then back up at Yeemick. “Frankly, the way I see it, this is win-win for everyone.”

  
  
“I agree wholeheartedly,” Yeemick grins.

  
  
“Especially Barry,” Taako can’t help but laugh.

  
  
“It seems like you get what you want, and we get what we want,” Magnus says, glancing down at Barry in Yeemick’s hand, illuminated by the glow of the fire below. He’s alive, barely breathing, and absolutely beat to shit. His face is purple and swollen, and a trickle of blood is running down from his ear to his chin. He’s barely recognizable as Barry at all. “But before we agree to anything, I am going to need Barry Bluejeans brought back over the edge.”

  
  
Yeemick pulls Barry back, resting him on the very edge of the stage overhead, clasping his hands together in front of him.

  
  
“What happened to Barry’s traveling companion?” Magnus asks, his shoulders relaxing a little bit now that he knows he doesn’t have to lunge to try and catch him if the goblin deigned to drop Barry.

  
  
Yeemick chuckles. “Oh, I wouldn’t know anything about that. I’m pretty sure he was riding alone. On two horses. He’s a mountain of a man, as you can tell.”

  
  
Merle sighs. They’re clearly not going to get any information out of this guy, especially not when he has the upper ground, both literally and metaphorically, with his clawed foot resting on Barry’s ribcage. “Alright, where do we go?”

  
  
“You can find him across the overpass,” Yeemick smiles. “Goodbye. Have fun! Bring me his head.”

  
  
The three of them give Barry one last parting glance and then turn on their heels, heading back in the direction they came from. They continue to look back over their shoulders until they’re certain they’re out of earshot, and Magnus bends down to whisper to his two smaller companions.

  
  
“I don’t trust this situation at all.”

  
  
Taako laughs. “Yeah, no shit. Great job, Angela Lansbury, for piecing _that one_ together, he seemed so _nice_.”

  
  
“Is there some way for us to kill both Klarg and this dude?” Magnus suggests in a low whisper as they begin the treacherous journey across the rickety rope bridge one at a time. Merle and Taako both immediately laugh again.

  
  
“Yes, obviously, I thought that was implied,” Taako leans against the wall as he watches his companions cross first.

  
  
“As soon as Meemaw turns his back, we’ll snuff him,” Merle agrees, reaching out to catch Taako by the hand as he deftly crosses the bridge on tip toes last.

  
  
They move through the passageway stretching towards the sound of the waterfall, and exit onto a ledge overlooking a large chamber. Against the far wall, they spot the waterfall, feeding into a couple manmade pools build out of towering logs all stitched together with thick rope, where several goblins are currently tugging up the heavy gate to lock it back into place, so the waterfall can fill it back up and repairing it wherever it leaks. Magnus shakes his head at his companions, and they continue creeping along the ledge into another passageway, this one slanting up a flight of ruineed natural stairs and opening up into an even larger chamber.

  
  
From within, a deep voice is barking orders over the sound of the waterfall behind them. Carefully they creep up the stairs and glance inside the room, taking in the view. One of the shapes is much larger than the rest, weaving between the natural stone pillars. Taako drops his head back down into the darkness, turning to his companions.

  
  
“Alright, listen guys. Here’s what I’m thinking. What if, rather than trying to fight Klarg, we see if we can trade the information that we have in exchange for Barry. Say, we know that he has someone in his organization who asked us to kill him. We’ll let him in on that, but he has to promise to let Barry go with us.”

  
  
“I like that,” Magnus nods.

  
  
“I like Taako’s idea too,” Merle says. “But what if we operate from a position of strength. What if we go in swinging and do something to make him think we’re real badasses, to make him think twice and consider the offer. I could cast the spell I used before to make Magnus’ axe glow.”

  
  
“I think this is a good idea. I’ll use prestidigitation to create a shower of sparks as we rush in,” Taako adds.

  
  
With their plan in place, the three of them ascend the stairs and enter the chamber like they were born to do it, light beams shooting and bouncing all around the room from Merle and a shower of fireworks and sparks raining down around them from Taako, and Magnus’ bow nocked and lowered in front of him, gazing forward heroically. From the other side of a large fire pit in the center of the room, the large figure is enraptured by the display, exclaiming in surprise as he watches the three of them make one hell of an entrance.

  
  
The best Taako can muster in the moment as they face Klarg in front of them is “Hey, jerk!” before with a snarl, from behind them a wolf lunges. It leaps at Merle, jaws open and roaring, but the dwarf is able to easily throw him off, his teeth glancing off his armor. They turn their attention up towards Klarg to finally get a good look at him as the wolf lands on its paws and skitters to stay upright, and they realize they don’t have any idea what Klarg is. He’s certainly not a goblin, but none of them have ever seen anything like him before. He’s six and a half feet tall and covered in fur, thick over muscles cording his entire body.

  
  
Magnus seizes the wolf by the fur scruff along his back and hoists him over his head, launching him overhead and into the pit of burning coals and embers. The wolf yelps and screams in pain as the fire licks at his fur, and he scrambles out, scattering embers across the stone floor towards the three adventurers as he limps around to hunker down near the goblins staring on in horror from the back of the room.

  
  
“Call him off,” Magnus snarls, pointing one finger like a dagger at Klarg.

  
  
The furry humanoid looks shocked and appalled. “You threw my wolf in the fire!”

  
  
“And I’ll do worse if you don’t stop him,” Magnus’ fist clenches back down at his side, and Merle gives a noise of surprise at his brutality.

  
  
“But he’s my favorite wolf and you threw him in the fire, though!”

  
  
“Then call him off or lose him forever,” Magnus sweeps his hand through the air.

  
  
Klarg gasps in horror. “Ohhh! But he’s my-! You threw him in the fire!”

  
  
“He attacked my friend,” Magnus gestures down towards Merle without breaking eye contact with Klarg.

  
  
“ _I_ attacked your friend,” Klarg protests. “He’s _my_ wolf!”

  
  
“Then you’ll meet the same fate,” Magnus retorts, pointing back at the humanoid.

  
  
“You can’t pick me up, I’m way bigger than the wolf was!” Klarg gestures back behind him at the injured wolf, licking at his burned paws and whining.

  
  
“Fellas, fellas, fellas!” Merle raises his hands up and steps in between the two of them before they launch at eachother. “We came here to talk.”

  
  
“You should have thought of that before throwing my dog in the fire!” Klarg yells down at the dwarf.

  
  
Merle’s last thread of patience snaps. “Well you shouldn’t have had your dog jump up my ass!”

  
  
“I don’t think my dog could fit in an ass!” Klarg grouses loudly.

  
  
“You haven’t seen his ass,” Taako wheezes with laughter.

  
  
Taking advantage of the argument going on and sensing a break in the lineup, the wolf growls and lunges back to his feet, leaping right across the firepit towards Magnus. The warrior manages to throw up his arm and the wolf’s teeth latch ineffectively onto the metal, where Magnus is able to easily throw him. From behind Klarg, the two goblins at the back of the room nock arrows to their bows, releasing them in the direction of the adventurers.

  
  
As quick as a flash, Magnus is already pulling his shield of his back and throwing it in front of Taako, just as the second arrow pierces the same shoulder the goblin before had sliced, putting a weakness in his armor where the leather was cut. At the very least, Taako is able to duck behind the shield, and the arrow is knocked off course by the very rim of the shield, only just barely grazing his shoulder as it passes him by. It would have surely stuck right into his neck, had it not been for Magnus’ quick thinking.

  
  
Taako staggers back and his hands begin to glow. Raising his wand, he shoots an arc of sparkles through the air, directly into Klarg’s chest. The adventurers watch as his blown-out pupils shrink back down to a normal size as he blinks rapidly, sparkles dancing around his eyes and ears until it fades away, and he looks down at the three of them with a friendly smile.

  
  
“Klarg! Call them off!” Taako demands, while Merle and Magnus look on with confusion between Taako and Klarg, without an idea in the world as to what he’s just done.

  
  
“Oh! Oh, sure, yes, of course. Percival! Come back, come to daddy,” Klarg says, whistling for the wolf. The wolf growls at them one more time, but limps back over to Klarg’s side and lays down with a heavy grunt at his side to resume licking his wounds.

  
  
Merle and Magnus glance at eachother and then at Taako, up to Klarg, and then back to Taako. What in the holy hell had he just accomplished? What kind of crazy fucking magic is this? Taako clasps his hands behind his back and just smiles up at the furry man. “Klarg, my name is Taako. This is Merle, and this is Magnus.”

  
  
“It’s a pleasure,” Klarg chuckles. “It really is super great to meet you.”

  
  
“I feel like we’ve known eachother for ages,” Taako rocks back on his heels with a smile.

  
  
“I feel that way too!” Klarg grins. “Do you need any money, or anything? Can I just start- can I give you all the things I have?”

  
  
“There will be time for that,” Taako waves a hand through the air. “Listen, we have sort of a situation we wanted to loop you in on.”

  
  
“You guys have been in my cave for a while,” Klarg interrupts. “Do you want some oolong?”

  
  
Taako can’t help but chuckle softly. “Oh, no oolong for us, thank you, we don’t have much time. One of your employees, Yaweh-”

  
  
“I think it’s Weeman,” Magnus corrects.

  
  
“Meemaw,” Merle suggests.

  
  
“Yeemick?” Klarg offers.

  
  
“That’s the one. Anyway, he has our friend Barry Bluejeans captive. He wanted us to, believe it or not, kill... well, you.” Taako folds his hands together in front of him, pointing all ten fingers at Klarg.

  
  
“This doesn’t sound like the Yeemick I know,” Klarg rubs his chin in thought. “Are we talking about the same Yeemick? I think I understand what the problem is. I employ  several Yeemicks-”

  
  
“Klarg, look at me,” Taako gestures to his eyes. “It’s Taako. This is Taako talking. Would I lie to you?”

  
  
Klarg sighs, his shoulders dropping. “I guess I’ve known all along.”

  
  
Taako smiles. “So listen, here’s the thing. We want Barry back. We wanna kill this bad guy that wants to kill you. And we’d like... _some_ gold. Like, a _little_ gold.”

  
  
“And if it’s not such a big deal, it’d be great to know what happened to our other friend,” Magnus adds. “What do you say, Klarg?”

  
  
“I think that we can come to a very agreeable conclusion to this entire misunderstanding,” Klarg nods, clasping his hands together. He crosses the room over to a round rock with a glowing rune in the wall and pulls it out of its hole, speaking directly into it. “Yeemick, can I see you in my office, please?”

  
  
“Before he shows up, Klarg,” Taako says as the furry man places the rock back in its hole. “Just a heads up. He’s gonna know something’s up when he sees us.”

  
  
“Oh no, please,” Klarg says. “Yeemick talks a big game, but he really is as sweet as cherry pie. You have nothing to worry about, my friend.”

  
  
Magnus gestures with his head for the others to flatten themselves to the wall on either side of the opening into the chamber, weapons drawn and raised and spells readied just in case. Yeemick walks in with the other goblins that were in the room with him, none the wiser to the hidden adventurers as they approach Klarg with their weapons drawn.

  
  
“Oh! Yeemick,” Klarg smiles. “I have heard the most fascinating story about you.”

  
  
Without even deigning to respond, Yeemick draws his shortbow and fires a bolt at Klarg. As soon as his hand starts to reach for his bow, Magnus yanks the shield off his arm and throws it through the air like a frisbee, knocking the arrow just slightly off course so it sticks into his shoulder instead of his chest. Klarg reels back as the shield slides across the ground behind him, and growls, “Oh, so it’s true.”

  
  
He pulls out a giant morning star in one hand and a javelin in the other his knees bending as he drops into battle stance. The other two goblins that had been in the room with Klarg scurry over to stand behind Yeemick, either already betrayers, or hoping to get on the apparently winning team- or at least the bigger team.

  
  
Raising his morning star, Klarg bears down on Yeemick with his morning star, crushing him down into the ground with one fell swing like wet paper, breaking him very nearly in half in the process and very handily killing him in one single shot. Magnus’ mouth drops open. Whatever Taako had done to that furry guy, he’s really fucking glad he did it. He would hate to have been on the receiving end of that hit. The other four goblins reel back from the spray of blood, looking very concerned about their own safety.

  
  
Merle’s hands glow and extend in beams of light, growing out of the end of his sleeves in both length and size, laying over Magnus’ body in an arc of glowing magic. Magnus’ wound in his shoulder closes up, pushing the arrow out of his body until it clatters to the floor, and closes the gash in his arm up into little more than a scab. Magnus rolls his shoulder, flexing his hands on the handle of his axe. 

  
“Hey, ugly!” he shouts, and all four goblins look over. “Your leader is dead! Lay down your weapons!”

  
  
They don’t seem phased by his shouting, banging their rudimentary weapons against equally slipshod shields, snarling and gnashing their teeth in his direction. Magnus shrugs. It was worth a shot. He swings his axe at the nearest goblin, slashing it directly across his stomach. In another spray of blood, he tries to hold his entrails in with both hands as he falls to his knees, and then collapses dead.

  
  
Percival charges another one of the goblins and launches through the air, tackling him to the ground and sinking his teeth into his neck and shoulder. The goblin screams and tries to fight him off, but the wolf is stronger, and in short order the goblin falls limp and stops moving. Both of the remaining goblins look at eachother and then turn tail and run, scrambling past each other to get down the stairs to the chamber, falling over one another in their haste to flee.

  
  
“Boy, I wish I hadn’t needed to murder them,” Klarg sighs as Magnus fetches his shield, slinging his morning star back into its holster on his back. “That was unfortunate.” Taako drops to his knees and begins to rummage through the pockets of the dead goblins, pocketing whatever he finds. “Oh!” Klarg exclaims at the sight of them looting the bodies. “I forgot, I promised you guys so much money.”

  
  
“And there was talk of tea?” Magnus perks his head up.

  
  
“Oh! Yes!” this seems to get Klarg very, very excited. “Do you want- I have so much- I have a lot to share-”

  
  
“You know what, a cup of oolong would be a delight,” Taako chuckles. Might as well.

  
  
“Oh, fantastic!” Klarg claps his hands together, and shuffles into the next room over, while they finish looting the bodies. Rather quickly, as if he’d already had the tea prepared ahead of time, he comes back in with a tray in one hand with three steaming cups of tea atop it, and in the other hand he’s dragging a small chest, full of copper and silver, a jade statue of a frog, and a couple healing potions. “That’s about all there is, guys.”

  
  
“Well just think, old buddy, how many less Christmas bonuses you’ll have to fork up,” Merle chuckles as he sips his tea.

  
  
"Klarg, we’re friends here,” Taako says, stirring his tea with a finger.

  
  
“Best friends, I would say,” Klarg amends.

  
  
“I would say that,” Taako agrees. “What happened to Gundren?”

  
  
“We actually gave him away,” Klarg says.

  
  
“Come again?” Magnus shakes his head.

  
  
“I guess I should start from the beginning,” Klarg shakes his head. “We were contracted to collect Gundren and deliver him to the Black Spider. So that’s what we did and that’s where he’s at, I imagine.”

  
  
“Okay. What’s the Black Spider?” Taako asks, taking a sip of the frankly incredibly delicious tea that Klarg had prepared for them.

  
  
“I don’t actually know, I’ve never met him,” Klarg shrugs heavy shoulders. “But I do know, I guess, he loves... dwarves? I guess he just likes... having them.”

  
  
Taako taps his fingers against the edge of his cup. “Do you have a way of contacting the Black Spider?”

  
  
“The Black Spider typically contacts me,” Klarg grimaces. “I do wish I could help you out in this regard, but I do not think there’s anything I can do for you.”  

  
  
“Listen, Klarg, this has been great,” Taako says as he finishes off his tea and hands the cup to Klarg.

  
  
“I have had a fantastic time, too,” Klarg says, accepting the cup from Taako. “I did have to murder my employees.”

  
  
“They were going to murder you though,” Magnus points out.

  
  
“They were going to murder me, weren’t they? You’re always right about things, Magnus,” Klarg smiles as the warrior hands over his cup as well.

  
  
“Before we say goodbye, let’s make plans to get together again,” Merle suggests, hoping to keep the tone light as he hands over his own empty cup.

  
  
“Can I have a hug? Could one of you give me a hug?” Klarg asks, setting the cups on the tray and opening his arms. Magnus immediately steps up to the furry man and embraces him, taking one for the team so to speak, and finds to his delight that his fur is so much softer than he thought it was going to be. He smells like tea, and even though the embrace is a little bit longer than he really wanted to be held, it’s not really the worst.

  
  
When finally Magnus is able to disengage, Klarg bids them a tearful and pleasant farewell as they turn and head back down the stairs. They make their way back across the bridge single file and head back into the other room and up the ramp to where Barry is still lying prone on the edge of the overhang, looking just as worse for wear as the last time they saw him. They realize how easily Yeemick could have killed him before coming into the room and just thank their lucky stars for the goblin’s lack of foresight. They don’t need to tell Barry about that part.

  
  
Pulling him back from the ledge, Taako slaps Barry’s cheek gently until he rouses, his eyes cracking open. He grimaces, squinting up at the men in the weak firelight. Taako uncorks one of the healing potions with his teeth and holds it up for Barry, who drinks gratefully of the bitter, slightly minty potion. His wounds heal up before their very eyes.

  
  
Revitalized, Barry sits up, propped up on his hands. “This is wonderful, thank you. Thank you, you kind soul. I will never, ever forget this kindness that you’ve done for me. My name is Barry J. Bluejeans and I’m ready to kick some goblin ass! Where did they go?”

  
  
“Listen, all the asses have been kicked, dear Barry,” Taako pats the man on the shoulder.

  
  
“You didn’t leave me one ass?” Barry looks forlorn.

  
  
“We have your clothes,” Taako offers, pointing to the crate Magnus was rifling through, full of what appears to be all of Barry’s possessions.

  
  
“Thank you so much,” Barry says, crawling over to the crate to start re-equipping himself with his belongings. He stands up, dusting himself off, and rights his belt. “Let’s get the hell out of this cave.”


	4. Here There Be Gerblins - Chapter Three

Barry can’t move very quickly, but with the help of the others, they make fairly decent time. Magnus keeps an arm slung around his waist to keep him upright, bent over to his level to help him hobble along while Merle and Taako scout a few feet ahead for trouble. There don’t seem to be any other Goblins about as they make their way back towards their wagon, still hidden among the trees where they left it, untouched, and guarded by a very surly Ruby who barks at their approach.

  
  
“Good dog,” Magnus praises her with bits of jerky and ear rubs, while Taako helps the still-injured Barry into the back of the wagon. The healing potion had certainly taken the edge off his injuries, but he’ll have to see a healer sometime in the next couple days to put him back in order.

  
  
“Barry, what the hell happened,” Taako asks, taking up a spot beside the human in the back of the wagon as Magnus leads it back towards the road, luring the oxen with hay. It’s a little cramped with three people back here, but Merle sits the grumpy bulldog in his lap to maximize space.

  
  
“A lot of shit,” Barry shake his head. “And it was all really terrible. And if you gave me the option, I would not do it again. How much do you guys know?”

  
  
“We know that Gundren was sold, or given to someone named the Black Spider through an envoy,” Taako says, finally taking the apple he’d been eyeballing before and biting into it.

  
  
“Yeah, you lied to us, in other words,” Merle says, scratching Ruby’s neck folds.

  
  
“And we found your map,” Magnus adds, looking back over his shoulder inside the tarp. Merle and Taako give him confused looks, but he widens his eyes at them, warning them silently to go along with it.

  
  
“You know about the map?” Barry looks up at him.

  
  
“Oh, we know all about the map,” Magnus nods.

  
  
“So what was really going on, Barry?” Taako prods.

  
  
“Okay, let’s start from the beginning,” Barry sighs wearily. “Gundren and his two brothers, whose names are Tharden and Nundro, have a claim to the lost mine of Phandalin. They managed to find out where it is.”

  
  
“Why didn’t he tell us that right up front?” Merle asks, irritated.

  
  
“Cause he didn’t trust you guys. Why the hell would he trust you?” Barry crosses his arms.

  
  
“I’m his cousin!” Merle puts a hand to his chest.

  
  
“Like, fourth cousin,” Barry says. “Dwarves have like eight hundred cousins. So you’re basically perfect strangers. I don’t know who this Black Spider is, but I would love to give him a piece of my mind. After I rest for about two months.”

  
  
“It sounds to me like we’ve got no leads on the Black Spider,” Magnus says wearily from the front of the cart. “We should head to the town.”

  
  
“It’s not my first goddamn time at the bodyguard rodeo, Magnus,” Barry slaps his hand against his knee defiantly. He seems fairly confident, and that seems like the end of that. He explains to them as they trundle along towards Phandalin that he’ll be able to track Gundren down if they can stock up on supplies and take a short rest in town, and then promptly passes out in the back of the wagon for the rest of the trip there.

  
  
As they approach the town, they realize the impressive scale of the place. It had once been a booming mining operation, after all, and that’s evident in how sprawling the place is, stretching out a good few miles below them as they make their way down the hill into the valley it’s nestled in. The closer they get, the more apparent it is that the town’s been on hard times, but the people who live there seem to be hard at work nevertheless.

  
  
They drop Barry off at an inn, and Merle joins him along with Ruby while the others trundle on to deliver the goods they’d actually been tasked to carry, and hopefully find a stable to park their wagon at so they can pay someone to take care of the oxen.

  
  
Magnus heads off to get his axe sharpened at the local smithy while Taako stocks up on some spell components in the nearby alchemist shop, and by dinner time they all meet back up at the inn. Barry is looking freshly washed and shaven in a clean set of clothes, and seems to be much better off already with a little medical attention and a meal in him. 

  
“So as I was saying about the map,” Barry says as they all break bread over supper. “It’s a fake. The real map- and you’re gonna love this- is _inside_ that goddamn dwarf.”

  
  
“Yuck?” Merle’s nose wrinkles.

  
  
“No, it’s not like in his butt,” Barry is quick to backpedal, rooting around in his bag. He pulls out a blank parchment from his bag, and lays it out flat on the table between their plates and bowls. “Thank god, they didn’t get this,” he mutters, weighing down the corners with silverware and candles. He reaches back in his bag, rummaging through the contents. “That dwarf- his blood is actually the map.”

  
  
“What the hell are you talking about?” Merle asks, dipping his bread in his stew.

  
  
“He gave me a vial of his blood,” Barry continues as he sets a couple things out on the table to make his search easier. “Shit. They might have taken it. Nevermind then, I may not have a way to find him.”

  
  
“I’m his cousin, would my blood work?” Merle asks, leaning in closer to inspect the blank parchment.

  
  
“That is not a bad idea,” Barry says, looking between the parchment and back up to Merle. “Can I borrow your hand there for a second?”

  
  
“Um, I’d be a little more comfortable if you let me decide where the blood is gonna come from,” Merle leans back away from Barry. He grabs a knife from the table and pricks the tip of his finger, squeezing it out over the parchment until a couple drops land on the surface.

  
  
With every drop of blood that hits the paper, it spreads out like ink following tracks of water, bleeding out into veins and shapes and words, painting over the enchanted surface in dark red strokes. The four of them watch in wonderment as the map fills out, detailing the way up and through the Sword Mountains, a day’s ride south of Phandalin. The blood circles around the foothills beneath the mountains in a ring, and then finally stops moving.

  
  
“Well I’ll be a son of a bitch,” Barry slaps his hand on the table.

  
  
“How do we know that’s where Gundren is?” Merle asks, leaning in to inspect the circle.

  
  
“If he was taken by the Black Spider, I’m assuming that they were going to take him to this cave. You gotta understand, this is the Rockseeker’s birthright, this is an area of tremendous power. It belongs to them, but they are probably not the only ones looking for it. So if the Black Spider took him, I guarantee he took him here. It’s a day’s ride from here, you can use my cart.”

  
  
“Do you wanna come with us, Barry?” Taako asks, biting into a roll.

  
  
“I really need to keep resting,” Barry says.

  
  
“It would look bad if you didn’t rescue your charge,” Taako implores.

  
  
“It would look super bad if I just like, died,” Barry argues. “Lemme pitch you this; it’s gonna be equally bad for my career if I just fucking die.”

  
  
“That’s a good point,” Merle concedes. “Maybe you could just pay us part of your commission.”

  
  
“Yeah, I think you should cut us in if we’re gonna rescue this guy for you,” Taako agrees. “You give us half of whatever you’re getting paid to guard him.”

  
  
“If you can find this cave, you are not going to have to worry about money ever, ever again,” Barry reassures them.

  
  
Magnus squints. “Cause we’ll die?”

  
  
Barry puts his hands up. “No. Well, maybe. I don't know, I'm not psychic.”

  
  
With that, they set out the next morning, bright and early and well rested. Ruby stays in town with Barry, while Magnus and Merle load up the cart with the supplies they’re bringing with them for the trip and possible battle. There’s much more room in the back now for Merle and Taako, while Magnus sits up front to drive like before.

  
  
The trip is uneventful, mostly comprised of Merle telling Magnus where to drive the oxen according to the map, and Taako complaining of the bumpiness of the untraveled roads they have to drive over to take them to the foothills below the mountains. The area is misty, cast in shadow most of the time from the imposing mountains looming overhead, and the travelers are damp by the time they find the entrance of the cave, nestled in the base of one of the mountains and almost completely hidden from view by thick foliage hanging in front of it.

  
  
Magnus parks the cart out front and ties the oxen to a tree, and the supplies are divvied up into their bags according to who will probably be able to make the best use of it. They take a moment to check one another’s armor straps and sling their weapons over their shoulders, and finally face the mouth of the cave with no small amount of nerves.

  
  
From inside, they can hear what sounds like crashing waves, echoing out towards them. It’s very cold inside, sending chills up their spines as they make their way through the hanging vines and moss and head deeper into the mountain. Merle was about to cast a light before their eyes adjusted and they realize the walls themselves seem to have a shimmering bioluminescent quality to them, filling the walkways with an eerie white glow that casts shadows over the branching pathways with old, broken down mining equipment laying around collecting dust.

  
  
The cave opens up into a large cavern, supported by several natural pillars and columns, casting teethlike shadows on the walls between stalagmites. They spy a couple bedrolls near the wall towards the side of the cavern, and a heap of supplies, nearly obscuring the figure laying behind it. As they approach, they recognize the form of a dwarf, dressed up in mining gear.

  
  
“Tharden,” Merle gasps and runs forward, dropping to his knees beside the dwarf and rolling him over. He’s stiff, clearly he’s been dead for some time, and a single tear rolls down Merle’s cheek. Taako uncomfortably picks up one of the lanterns, holding it towards his chest.

  
  
“Merle, I’m sorry,” Magnus helps the dwarf back up to his feet and turns him away from the body of his cousin, putting a hand on his shoulder.

  
  
While they’re occupied, Taako crawls forward and inspects the body for valuables. He recognizes an enchantment in the dwarf’s boots and looking back over his shoulder to make sure the others aren’t looking, he quickly slips them off his feet. He almost puts them into his bag, before realizing that Magnus will probably make better use of them, and silently slips them into Magnus’ bag instead. He’ll find them later and probably be a little confused, but knowing Magnus, he’ll just think he bought them and forgot, and make good use of them.

  
  
Towards the back of the cave, they spot a pit that plunges down a couple stories, and at the bottom lies another tunnel branching deeper into the mountain. Magnus sits down on the edge of the pit and hops down, opening his arms to help Merle down next. He slips off the wall part way down, but Magnus is able to catch him and set him down on his feet, while Taako grabs a pickaxe from the mining supplies and swings down over, wedging it into the rock on his way down to help him climb.

  
  
The tunnel itself is almost a perfect square, very clearly manmade, with rubble lying around on the cave floor. The path branches off in every direction, and they struggle to find their way, running into dead ends here and there, backtracking and trying again and again. Old mining carts are lying around all over, broken pickaxes and piles of rocks and debris. It seems like everybody just picked up simultaneously in the middle of a work day and walked out, leaving everything just the way it was, and never came back.

  
  
From behind them, they hear a nasty squelching noise, like something wet is stalking them. Sharing a look, they pick up the pace through the cave, moving a little bit faster to try and get away from whatever’s coming after them. Whatever it is, it doesn’t seem very fast, and after a few tunnels they manage to lose it. They emerge from the walkway onto a stone ledge, overlooking a massive drop, at least ten stories down. When they approach the edge and cautiously look down, they see a giant spring below, lit from beneath by the shimmering rocks, casting watery lights all around the cavern in beautiful wavering patterns.

  
  
Above the spring, a giant stalactite hangs from the ceiling, glowing brighter than the rest of the walls, and dripping down intermittently into the spring far, far below. Every time it does, it causes a disproportionately massive wave in the spring, rippling out from the center and crashing loudly against the walls all around it with tremendous force, splashing up several stories before crashing back down into the glowing spring. Some of the water even makes it up onto the outcropping they’re standing on, misting over the blanket of multicolored mushrooms on the rock, that seem to shrink down and react to their presence.

  
  
Looking around, they spot a wooden lift that appears to serve the purpose of bringing people down to a walkway that circles the spring. They share an anxious look, a little nervous about the waves crashing up against the walls down there every couple of minutes.

  
  
Taako glances up, and his stomach immediately drops as he spots some kind of black, blobby mass hanging up around the stalactites, stalking them from above. It releases its hold on the ceiling with a slick splorching noise, and drops down right towards Magnus.

  
  
“Magnus!” he calls out. He throws up his hands, immediately shooting a ray of frost from his palms at the falling blob, piercing the side of it and freezing a small spot and knocking it to the side in midair. It lands with a hard, wet slap on the ground directly behind Magnus, spreading out and rippling for a moment before bouncing back up into shape and folding the frozen, injured spot deeper into its body.

  
  
Spinning around in alarm, Magnus swings his battle axe off his shoulder and towards the blob. The blade cleaves through part of the slime and slices a small portion right off, sloughing against the wall behind them with a wet slap. It runs down to the ground, and shudders, and then animates, standing upright while the original jelly fills out where it was sliced, rounding back out into a slightly smaller version of its organic shape.

  
  
“Crap,” he retreats back towards Merle and Taako, his axe held firmly in both hands. The injured slime in front of them spreads out on the ground over the fungus below it, and absorbs it up into its mass with a sticky suction sound.

  
  
Taako raises his hand towards one of the jellies and his wand towards the other, shooting glowing darts out of each towards both slimes, slicing into them both. Before they can even recover, Merle spins around and shoots a handful of sacred flame at the jelly. It jumps out of the way with great speed, and the fire instead eats away at the carpet of mushrooms beneath their feet.

  
  
Magnus swings the axe onto his shoulder, unwilling to accidentally make any more slimes, and pulls his bow down off his back instead. He nocks an arrow and shoots it at the slime, but misses completely, and it goes flying over the ledge instead. A moment later, a massive wave crashes up the walls and splashes down over them. Magnus grimaces an apology at his friends as the slime slides up to Merle and forms a gelatinous fist with some of its mass, smashing down towards the dwarf.

  
  
Magnus throws his shield up to try and keep the jelly off him, and takes the brunt of the damage with his arm. The shield smashes into Merle instead, knocking the wind out of him, but the slime rolls off the surface and onto the ground, keeping Merle from being sucked up into it. The other jelly makes a beeline for the wall and begins to climb up it, sludging back up towards the ceiling to try and make another dropping attack. As it ascends, the three of them are able to see a figure inside the jelly, backlit by the glowing wall it’s sluicing up against.

  
  
Taako points up his hands again and blasts another ray of frost towards the smaller slime on the ground, stabbing another sharp bolt right into it, and the ice spreads over its body, freezing it solid. His bolt is crossed seconds later by another fiery projectile from Merle, flying in the other direction towards the jelly sticking to the ceiling, flaying off some of its mass in streaks across the wall. Magnus slides across the floor to slam his foot into the frozen slime, sending it over the edge and into the spring, sending another wave crashing up over the walls.

  
  
Throwing his hands up, Taako launches fireworks into the air to illuminate the cave, bursting with bright light and freezing up near the ceiling. The black slime shrinks and quivers a bit directly above the elf, apparently shaken by the fact that it’s hiding place has been discovered. With the slime lit up, Merle is able to throw another bolt of sacred flame directly up in the air. It crashes right into the jelly, slicing off a good chunk of its body, which showers down on him and Taako. They both jump and roll out of the way, sliding up against the wall to avoid it.

  
  
Magnus moves underneath the jelly on the ceiling with his shield raised, catching the slime as it falls. His knees buckle but he manages to stay upright, and he throws it to the ground right at Taako’s feet. The elf shoots another ray of frost, but misses completely, with a cry of “Fuck!”

  
  
Merle swings his hammer off his back and slams it into the slime at Taako’s feet. It splatters into paste, sending the figure inside flying and skidding across the ground, streaking black slime along with it. It rolls for several feet and stops just short of going over the edge.

  
  
“That was a very sticky situation!” Magnus jokes, putting his hands on his hips.

  
  
Merle shakes his head at the pun, and makes his way over to the fallen figure. He rolls the dwarf over and his shoulders fall. “It’s Nundro,” he says back over his shoulder. Magnus helps him back up to his feet, rubbing his back to console him, and looks back over his shoulder at Taako, jerking his head towards the body.

  
  
Taako rifles through his bag and swiftly pockets a lock box with a shit ton of gold in it with a giddy smile, throws everything else over the edge, sending up another wave of water, and quickly jumps up to join the others.

  
  
“I found a key,” he says, handing it over to Merle.

  
  
He carries it over to the elevator and they all pile inside, and Magnus pulls on the ropes to send them down to the level with the spring. They wait for one of the waves to crash before exiting, and Magnus kneels by the edge of the glowing spring to take a handful of water, sipping it out of his palms. He feels immediately energized and revitalized, and waves his friends over to take a drink.

  
  
Merle tries to fill his waterskin from the spring, but the longer it sits inside, the light goes out and the magic fades. The healing magic seems to be coming from the stone basin that the spring is sitting in, rather than the water itself. With nothing else to do, the adventurers quickly move on, narrowly avoiding being crushed against the wall by the next wave that comes splashing out from the center of the pool, and they carry on deeper inside. 


	5. Here There Be Gerblins - Chapter Four

Shivering and damp, the trio of adventurers follow the path around the spring, their boots squeaking and wet when the water from the waves runs across the stone floor towards them with every splash, before running back to rejoin the spring behind them. Surprisingly, they encounter a giant iron-wrought door at the end of this path, built directly into the rock wall.

  
  
It’s heavy, but between the three of them, they manage to pry it open far enough for them to slip through. There’s a moment of debate of whether they should pull the door closed to keep anything from following them, or leave it open for a quick escape if they have to flee, and settle on leaving it open, just in case. The cave stretches on before them in a long, long tunnel system, branching off on both sides in many directions, with so much abandoned mining equipment lying around that they could easily start up their own mining business.

  
  
The rocks around them still glow faintly, enough for them to move through the tunnels without a struggle- though Taako does lead the way, with his slightly superior sight. It seems that this was the heart of the mining operation, where the majority of the employees camped and did their work, there’s even old lunch boxes left open with long-rotted food sitting around, so old it doesn’t even stink anymore. Mining carts sit around, full of faintly glowing stone, the magical ore that was once mined here so long ago before the orcs just wrecked shop.

  
  
Merle exchanges a glance with the others, wringing his hands together as the minutes stretch on and the mine shows no sign of stopping. The longer they walk, the more awkward he feels- the silence is absolutely deafening.

  
  
“Hey, can we talk?” he finally breaks the silence. “I feel like I don’t know you guys.”

  
Taako and Magnus share a look before Taako says, “How does everybody think the adventure is going?” and both Magnus and Merle break out laughing.

  
  
Wheezing, Magnus says, “I’d say a solid B-minus.”

  
  
“So far so good by me,” Taako grins. “Do you guys think this cave is haunted?”

  
  
“Do you guys have a girl back home?” Magnus asks.

  
  
“Okay, I take back what I said about talking and sharing,” Merle shakes his head with a chuckle.

  
  
The conversation is strained, but friendly, as they move through the tunnels, taking breaks whenever they need to, sharing rations from their bags. It’s strange, as far as being coworkers go, for them to be so friendly, but some deep part of each of them, buried under all the layers of sarcasm and wit wants for them to be closer as friends.

  
At long last, they exit the tunnels into a massive room, the floor of which is just a solid grate. They can see far, far below- so far that even the glowing rocks don’t help. There’s a moment of panic where they think the grate won’t hold them, but then they see that across the way in the room, a huge set of massive, heavy-duty mining equipment sits, supported effortlessly by the grate floor.

  
  
The centerpiece is a giant grinding machine, flanked by two large, spiked rollers that must grind the rock into smaller pieces so it can fall through the grate floor below. Surrounding the room is a platform built along the walls about eight feet up, with a ladder built against the wall. Shrugging, the three of them begin to cross the room towards the ladder- only for them to freeze at the sound of a loud bang.

  
  
Looking up, they see a young orc woman come out of the room, holding a crossbow as big as Taako in both hands. She points the crossbow down towards them and stands there, looking at them confused.

  
  
“Hello,” Magnus greets with a friendly smile.

  
  
“Ah, shit,” she mutters, speaking, surprisingly, in common.

  
  
“Hail and well met!” Taako greets, waving up to her.

  
  
“Just gimme one second, I’m trying to figure this out,” she says. “I just can’t understand why other people would be here. I’m trying to figure out whether I should just kill you right away, I don’t have a lot of time. I don’t... I don’t _like_ collateral damage, it does not reflect on me very well. I’m just trying to crack the code of how other people could be... here.”

  
  
Panicking slightly, Merle speaks up. “Have you heard the word of Morthammer Duinn?” both Taako and Merle stare at him incredulously.

  
  
“Uh, no thank you,”the orc woman says. “I’m... spoken for. Okay, here’s this- here’s the best offer I can make you. I’m gonna ask you guys a question-”

  
  
“Is it a riddle?” Magnus asks.

  
  
“Uh, it might me. Depending on sort of, where you’re at,” the orc says.

  
  
“I love riddles,” he grins.

  
  
“Great. Depending on your answer to this question, it’s gonna decide, I guess, what happens... next.” the orc says, shifting the weight of the crossbow in her hands. Speaking slowly and clearly, she asks “Are you here. For the p͏̡h̢͏̸̷͝o͏̷̶̴̷e͜n̵̕i҉̡͜͠x҉̛͟ ͏̷̡f͡͡i͝͠͞ŗ̶͡ę̧͘͟ ̡̛͟͜͞g̨͠ą̴̛͘ư̡̕͠n̷͜͜t̶͠l̷͟ę̧͢͏t̴?̷"

 

The sound of static fills their ears at the end of her question, even as they watch her mouth move to form indecipherable words. Taako, Merle and Magnus all share a look of pure confusion, as silence stretches on for a few seconds.

  
  
Magnus breaks it first with a dumbfounded “Uhhh...”

  
  
Merle decides to take a stab at it by saying, “We are not _chhhhhhhh_ hunters.”

  
  
The orc woman shakes her head. “Okay. I just heard like a crackly thing. Which actually tells me everything I need to know. Uhh, okay. You’re not here for the p̶̡̡͢͠ḩ̵̛̕o̷͘e̶̢̧͡҉n̶͘͟͞i͏̧x̨͢͠͠ ̵͡f̡͠i̵̕͝͡͞r̶͜e҉̸̡ ̸̷͘͝g͏͜͜a̷͜u̧̨̕͟n̷͟t̸̢͢l̶̕͝͞e̷t̵͘҉ and that’s great news for me. But I _cannot_ have you guys getting in my way. So, here’s my solution, and I think you're going to find it very fair. I’m _not_ going to shoot you with this giant crossbow.”

  
  
“Great,” Magnus grins.

  
  
“I’m for,” Taako agrees. Merle just laughs. “Go on.”

  
  
“Uh, instead,” the orc continues, reaching into her pocket. She pulls out a small metal box with a single button on it and clicks the button down with her thumb. A ball of light about the size of a lemon shoots out of the end of the box, and zaps the crusher in the middle of the room. Instantly, it starts to rumble and activate, the wheels and rollers begin to spin and grind and growl. Before their very eyes, the crusher itself seems to animate and come alive in a way it was clearly never meant to. 

 

It’s making a hell of a lot of noise, rumbling and groaning and creaking, its mechanical body wasn’t meant for this kind of movement- or any kind of movement at all, really, as it pulls up the bolts holding it down to the grate and moves in a surreal, organic sort of way. They look up, and the orc woman is already gone- and she took the ladder with her.

  
  
Disoriented and confused and frightened, the trio of companions look at one another and wonder for a moment if they should just turn around and run back the way they came, Gundren be damned. There will always be other jobs, right? But whether it’s determination, or faith in their abilities as a team, or just plain stubborn pride, the three of them silently and simultaneously decide not to back down from the deafening roar this mechanical monster is causing. It’s rattling the grate under them, rattling the chains hanging from all the walls, rattling the mining equipment scattered around- they can barely even keep their eyes open and keep their feet under them, the urge to just ball up and cover their ears is overwhelming.

  
  
The machine begins to move, building speed as it charges in the direction of the trio. Taako whips his wand out without hesitation, and throws a spell from the tip at the crusher’s. At the last second, just before the crusher can snap Taako up in its grinding jaws, thunder wave springs away from the elf and smashes into the machine, adding to the cacophonous noise and pushing the machine back away from them by about ten feet. A great deal of its body is dented and crushed by that spell alone, but it shakes off the damage (shaking off a good amount of now loose metal with it, which falls through the grate) and lets out an unholy mechanical screech that pierces their ears and staggers the adventurers.  

  
  
Magnus stares at Taako, mouth agape. He doesn’t have long to be impressed however, as the machine is already upright and moving again. He quickly scans for any kind of control panel, but unfortunately finds none. Looking around them in every direction, he assesses the situation and makes a quick decision. Yanking chains down off the hooks on the walls, he loops as many over his shoulders and arms as he can bear to carry as Taako and Merle make haste to run in stupid circles away from the powerful, but not very fast crusher.

  
  
Jumping in the way of the grinder’s path, he slings the chains off his shoulders in one huge bundle and hefts them into the mouth of the grinder. The machine gives another screech, and just starts to tear itself apart as the chains gum up the works. The grinder was not made to handle chains, its teeth snag and break off, the grinders give off smoke and tear apart, and the more delicate mechanics inside are just ripped asunder. The noise is absolutely deafening, and Magnus throws up his shield, standing over Merle and Taako to protect all three of them from the shrapnel that flies off the grinder like confetti.

  
  
When the worst of it it over, he lowers his shield and they all peer out to see a heaping pile of debris that, horrifyingly, is still sort of rumbling around, bumbling on the ground, still animated by whatever spell the orc imbued it with. Magnus feels a little ill for a moment, and just hopes the spell didn’t give the machine the ability to feel pain, or really any sense of self-awareness for that matter.

  
  
Taako squints at the machine, and pulls out his book, writing down the word “ground???” and circling it a couple times, but he can’t keep the thought for very long. Pocketing his book, they turn their attention to the platform ahead. Magnus laces his fingers together and gives both Merle and Taako a boost up to the platform. Neither of them are strong enough to pull him up, not even combined, but he manages to just jump and does a sick pull-up, rolling up and onto the platform so he can get his knees under him. He finds a chain still slung over his shoulder and shrugs, winding it around his arm. Might as well, it might come in handy later. 

  
  
“Come on, let’s go,” Taako says, opening the door that the orc woman disappeared through. It leads to yet another tunnel- although this one doesn’t seem to be part of the mine in the same way. It isn’t carved roughly out of the mountain by mining equipment, rather it resembles a true hallway, with stone brick walls and cobblestone floors.

  
  
Reverberating down the walls, they hear the sounds of metal clanging and combat, and they hear the voice of the orc woman yell down the hall- “Uh, help!”

  
  
They pause, glancing at eachother. Nothing else follows, and Magnus rolls his eyes. “Oh, sure. Yup, you got it.”

  
  
Taako shouts, “Eat a biggun’!” earning a laugh out of Magnus.

  
  
“God helps those who help themselves!” Magnus adds, his voice echoing down the hallway.

  
  
Her voice echoes back up, “Could use a hand down here! It’s uh- come on!”

  
  
Magnus shakes his head with a chuckle and rushes in, shield raised. Merle waddles quickly after him, but Taako immediately sits down on the ground with his book out. He’s not helping her, that much is certain. Magnus exits the hallway with Merle beside him, into a truly massive room, the ceiling of which is so high they can’t see it, even with the glowing rock. It seems to be some kind of quarry, where the product was ferried out to the surface above.

  
  
On the far side of the room, an absolutely enormous pit, at least forty feet across sits, unfathomably deep- and at its very edge, they can spot the prone figure of a dwarf, slumped precariously close to the side of the pit. The only other exit in the room is a giant iron door, so large they have to wonder how they even got it in there.

  
  
The orc woman is plastered to the wall with some kind of sticky webbing, covered from ankles to chin. She struggles against it, but even her considerable strength isn’t enough to break her free from its grip. And across from her, about twenty feet away, stands a tall, handsome drow, holding a staff that he has pointed directly at her. He’s dressed all in black robes, a tabbard layered over with a white spider embroidered on the front.

  
  
He whips his head around when Magnus and Merle approach, his staff still pointed directly at the orc, and speaks in a surprisingly high-pitched and lilting voice, “Oh, what a fantastic development! Ach! Ve have guests, dear, how exciting!”

  
  
Merle and Magnus just stare at the drow in disbelief, and the sound of shuffling comes up behind them. Taako had heard the drow’s voice from down the hall where he was stubbornly throwing a tantrum, and found it weird enough that he had to come into the room to investigate.

  
  
The drow gives them a genuine smile. “Oh, and a third guest, how exciting! Ve have even more guests, dear. Ve should make a place at the table for all of zhem.”

  
  
Magnus can’t help but smile back. “He seems nice,” he says to his companions.

  
  
The drow grins right back at him. “Hello, hello, welcome to my cave!”

  
  
Taako laughs. “I just wanna say, I’m so happy to meet someone else who talks normally!” he says, in his own lilting voice. The drow’s pleasant demeanor is certainly infectious.

  
  
“I love your cadence, dear, where are you from?” the drow asks.

  
  
Taako pauses for a second, because he honestly can’t remember, but he doesn't really have the time to be concerned about that, so he answers with “Uh- New Elfington.”

  
  
“I suppose no introductions will be necessary,” the drow says, finally dropping his staff and switching it into his non-dominant hand so he can lay his other hand against his chest.

  
  
Merle chuckles. “Yeah.”

  
  
“I would like to know who you are, zhough,” the drow points to them.

  
  
“Okay, so you would assume that introductions are necessary,” Magnus says.

  
  
The drow grins. “I’m sorry. _I_ don’t need to be introduced, do I? My reputation precedes me. Also my spider tabbard.”

  
  
Through laughter, Taako asks, “Who are you?”

  
  
Politely, the drow replies, “Ze Black Spider.”

  
  
“I’m Magnus,” the warrior says.

  
  
“I’m Taako,” the elf introduces himself. “We’re just here for Gundren, you can do whatever you want to-”

  
  
“Oh! Your voice is like a song,” the drow interrupts. Merle bursts out laughing.

  
  
“Thank you darling,” Taako grins. “Listen, we’re just here for the- for Gundren, you can do whatever you want with the orc woman.”

  
  
“Oh, Gundren’s purpose has been served,” the Black Spider says. “If you vant, you can take him and go, sure!”

  
  
“Excellent,” Taako nods at his companions. So far so good. “Pleasure doing business with you.”

  
  
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the Black Spider interjects. “I _vill_ need just a little bit more of his blood, zhough.”

  
  
“No, that’s not going to work for us,” Taako frowns.

  
  
“How much more?” Magnus asks.

  
  
“Uh, just a pint,” the Black Spider says. “A couple pints? How much blood do dwarves have?”

  
  
“More than you’d think,” Magnus glances at Merle, who is frowning deeply.

  
  
“Ah, I have to- I’m very curious to ask, if you don’t mind answering a few questions?” the Black Spider asks. “No pressure if you don’t want to, I want you three to feel very comfortable here.”

  
  
“Oh please, feel free,” Merle sighs.

  
  
“Uh- how ze fuck! Do you know about zhis magical cave-mine?”

  
  
The three adventurers share glances. Merle is the first to say, “Craig’s List.”

  
  
The drow squints at them. “I doubt zhat’s true. Don’t tell me, are you here, also, for zhe p̶̸͟͟ḩ̸͠͞͝o̴͠͏̵͘ęn͏̶̛̕i̸̛x̢͞ ̶̷̕͝f̷͢i҉̡̕r͏e͏͢ ͢҉g̢a̢͟u͏̶n̶̷̡͟ţ̢͜͏l͏e͘͡t̕͝͏̸̛?͝҉͟͏”""

 

Magnus squints, as the sound of static once more fills their ears. He tries to read the drow’s lips, with no luck. He can’t even seem to focus his eyes on them. “Nooo...?”

  
  
Merle shouts, “Screw the _chhhhrrrrr!_ I’m here for my cousin!”

  
  
“Uh, which one?” the drow asks. “Zhe only surviving one, I’m guessing.”

  
  
Merle scowls at him and scoots a little closer towards Gundren. The drow won’t let him get much closer, but he manages to creep close enough that he can at least see the dwarf is breathing, which gives him a measure of relief.

  
  
“Darling, I didn’t catch your name, give it to me one more time?” Taako asks, hoping to wring the drow’s real name out of him.

  
  
“Ah, it’s Black Spider,” the drow says again. “It’s not my Christian name, zhough!”

  
  
“Guys, I know how this works,” Magnus says. “If we figure out his name, he’s banished.”

  
  
The drow rolls his eyes. “It’s _Brian_ , darling.”

  
  
“Brian?” Taako repeats, incredulous. He shakes off the surprise. A drow named Brian, sure. Why not? “We need to take Gundren with us, we’re going to take the woman, and can you tell us- well hey, you’re a magic user like myself. Maybe you could tell me; when you say chrrr, I only hear chrrr, do you know why that might be?”

  
  
The drow clasps his hands together around his staff. “Ah, it’s a tricky situation, isn’t it? Here- zhis will be fun. Ah, zhe reason you can’t hear it when I say p͘͞͏h̶͝͏ơ̵̢̧̕e͢͡͏̧n̡̕̕҉i͘͜͡͠x͞҉͢ ̴̸̡͟f̧͘̕i͜͡ŗ̴҉̡e̡͜҉͡ ̷̸҉̶̧g͟͢a̴͢u̕͠҉̷͢n̷͜͟͢t̸̢̛l͘̕͝͝͡e͠t̡͠ is because zhe v̸̕o̷҉̢̡i̶̶̧̕ḑ͢͞ ̸̛͏f͏̛͜i̵̕s̨̛h̛͘͟ ͝͏̷̡͢ę̵͜l̢͠į̸̸̡͘m̧͘͘͠i̵͜͡ņ͟a̧͢҉̸t̸̵͢͢ę͘͘͟d̴ ̢͜a̛͜l͟͡͞ļ̨̢҉ ̵͟k͞͠n̛͟ơ͞w̷͡l̨̛͏e̷̕͞d̷̢͟g̷͡e͘ ̴o̷̢͞͞f̸̵̶̢ ̴̧̨i͘͟͡t̢͘̕,̛̕҉̡ ̵a̸̸̧͢s̴͠ ̸̢z͟͜h̨͜͢͞ę̴̧͟͢ ̨͟͟͞v̵҉o͏i̴̧͘͞d̷̛͜͠ f̷͞͏̕i҉̴̛͜s̴͘h̶̛͜ ̸̴̢i͏͞͝s̡͏͢ ̢̧̛w̴͡͠͡o͏ņ̢ţ͟ ̴̕͜t͢͝o̧̕͘͜͏ ͘d̵̸͞o̵̢͘,̵̵̢҉ ̸̴̢̢ and has actually e̸̶̕͟a̡̡̡t̵̛̕e̢͘͜͝n̛͜҉͜ ̨͘͠t̴͠͝h̷̵̕ȩ͜͠͞͠ ̧҉i̶̛͝n҉̵̧̕͝f̸͝o̷͟r̷̨̕m͟҉a͜͢͡͏ţ̸i͟o̷̕n̢̕͜ ̴҉͏a͢͡n̴͞͏d̴̢͜ ̸̷̨͜e͘r̡a͝s̶̡͢e͞͠d̡̕͘ ͘͜i͞͏҉t҉̷͡ ̨̢f̢̢̨r͢͏ǫ͞m̛͢͝ ̨̛t̷̡̧͝h̷̵͠ȩ̢̛͢ ͠҉҉̛w̶̢͢͝o҉҉͝r̵̵̛͘͞l҉҉̶d͝,̵͘ so you won’t be able to l͘҉e̷̶͢a͜͜r͏̷̵̨n̴̴̡͜ ̨̡͜͟͜a̵̴̛̕͠b̸̧͘͜o̶̴҉ų͢͜͢͏t̴̨͘͢ ̨͡͡͞z̴̨͞h̶ę̸̷͜͞ ̴͢͜͡B̧̧͡ư̵͡r̕҉e̸͢͠a͞u̴̸͟ ͡o͜r̵ ͘͘͡G̢ŗ͢͞a͟n̴͠͠ḑ̶͟ ̷̕͡R҉͠ę̶l͏͞i̴̛͞c̵͏̧s̵̴͜ until you a͝҉̕͠r̸̶̨̛͠ę͘ ̧̛҉i҉̷̷̷n͏҉ņ͢҉o̸̷̵̢͢c̕͠͠ư̢͜͢l̶̶a̷͜t̢͘͟͡e҉̧̡d̛͢͠͡.͏””

 

Nodding along, all Magnus can say is, “Uh huh.”

  
  
The drow smiles. “So, unfortunately, I’m going to find your solution inequitable. Uh, unsatisfactory. And I’m afraid zhat zhis is where it ends.”

  
  
Magnus rolls his eyes and charges the drow. He was not surprised by Magnus’s action. While he’s occupied by Magnus, Taako turns to the orc woman and casts burning hand on the webbing around her, carefully sculpting the spell to keep her from being immolated by the flame. The webs burn away and she collapses to the ground, and kneels up. She looks up at him quizzically, unsure why he’d actually helped her, and she says “Uh-wow, thanks!”

  
  
The Black Spider reaches into his sack and pulls out a fist-sized pod that he smashes on the ground in front of him before Magnus reaches him. The pod explodes in a puff of green smoke and from the ceiling, crawls a gigantic black spider that climbs down a web and jumps in front of the drow.

  
  
“Oh I get it!” Taako yells from the other side of the room as he helps the orc to her feet.

  
  
Magnus staggers back, horrified. The spider stands twice as tall as him, towering well over twelve feet tall, huge and hairy with several black eyes and dripping mandibles. With both Black Spiders distracted, Merle casts sleep on the drow, Brian. He whips his head towards Merle, his eyes glowing brightly red, and the spell is unsuccessful.

  
  
The orc woman reaches into her pocket and pulls out the buzzer from before and clicks it down. “Here goes nothing!” she shouts, and the ball of light shoots out of the end and through the huge iron door. She says, “Oh- hmm. Okay,” and they hear several rapid-fire poundings at the other side of the door- but the door stands fast.

  
  
Taako quickly asks her, “What’s your name, dear?” so they can put a name to her.

  
  
“Uh, it’s Killian,” she says, more than a little surprised to suddenly be asked her name in the midst of all this. “Can we do the spider stuff now?”

  
  
Taako laughs. “Yes-”

  
  
But she interrupts him with a sarcastic, “No, come on, now that we’re into this, tell me about your _dad_. Is that what you wanna do _right now?_ With the double spider situation?”

  
  
Taako rolls his eyes and turns away from her to rejoin his companions. Magnus unwinds the chain from his arm and runs past the spider, whipping the chain around the legs of the spider. He catches the other side of the chain and pulls with all his strength, toppling it over onto its side, and he only barely manages to keep from being crushed. Abandoning his chain, Magnus whips the axe off his back and swings it towards his eyes, aiming to take out as many as he possibly can.

  
  
The giant iron door has started to buckle a little bit, the pounding from the other side has gotten even more severe. Taako glances towards it, trying to asses- he probably wouldn’t be the best choice for trying to get that giant thing open, so instead he pulls out his wand and points it at the magic drow- casting magic missile at him. All three bolts shoot across the chamber and crash into Magic Brian, pushing him back a couple feet, but he manages to keep his feet under him.

  
  
“Ah! Zhat’s very interesting,” he grins at Taako. “Was zhat magic missile? Is zhat what zhat was? It was unrecognizable- because _zhis_ is how _I_ usually do it.”

  
  
Lowering his staff, he points the end of it at Taako and fires three bolts at the elf. He doesn’t have time to jump out of the way, and as pain consumes him so quickly he can’t even scream, Taako is thrown back against the wall. He he slumps to the ground, unmoving, and the drow laughs, “What’s up now!”

  
  
Magnus and Merle share a panicked expression as they watch blood seep from Taako’s mouth. From beside Magnus, the spider struggles up to its feet. He rears back and snaps his mandibles at the human. His armor manages to save him from the majority of the damage, but he screams in pain as the pressure of those jaws buckle his armor and break the skin beneath, injecting him with a potent poison. Magnus kicks it squarely between the mandibles and the spider drops him, and he manages to stagger back, clutching his stomach with one hand and dragging his axe with the other.

  
  
Merle glances back at Taako and Magnus- he almost moves to heal one of them, but the pounding of the door recaptures his attention. He’ll have a better chance at healing them if they have a little more help, so he turns instead to the door and points his magic focus at the buckling iron, casting thaumaturgy. With a crash, the door flies open up the middle and bangs against the wall on either side.

  
  
“By the hoary hordes of Hoggoth!” he shouts as a giant mechanical robot crashes through, shining a light that blinds everyone in the room for a few seconds. As their eyes adjust, they can see the bipedal mechanoid that looks like it’s meant to be operated from within as a suit. It has jackhammers for arms on every side of a massive square body, and it flexes its arms and sprints full speed towards the giant spider. It stabs right through it with both arms, impaling it with ease, and keeps running, taking it right down into the pit with it.

  
  
The drow gasps and cries out, “ _Bryan!”_ because apparently, the spider’s name is also Bryan. “Bryan! _No!_ He was my _favorite_ spider boy...” he clutches his hand to his chest, wearing an absolutely devastated expression. He’s clearly so, _so_ desperately sad.

  
  
Killian clicks down on the trigger of her animator again, but this time, nothing happens. Looking around frantically, she makes a break for the giant doors and ducks behind one, unable to offer them any help, with her weapon missing. “Good luck guys!” she calls behind her. “If you find my crossbow, let me know, but, uh, Imma -- Imma go ahead and let ch’all handle this. See what - see what you can - See what you can do!”

  
  
Magnus shakes his head and rushes to Taako’s side now that Magic Brian is distracted with his mourning, and he slides the last few inches to the elf’s side. Rolling the limp wizard over in his arms he mutters, “This might be cheesy, but I can’t let you go,” and with his teeth, he pulls the cork out of his only remaining health potion. Parting Taako’s bloody lips with his thumb, he pours the contents down his throat.

  
  
Spluttering and coughing, half of it washes back down over Taako’s chin and chest, but enough of it made it inside his body that with a shudder, he opens his eyes, groaning as the internal damage in his body stitches back together, bringing him back from the brink of death.

  
  
The first word out of his mouth as he sits up is “Excellent!”

  
  
He’s pretty woozy as he wobbles up to his feet, Magnus holding up his hands to catch him in case he stumbles, but he manages to get his legs under him. He adjusts his hat on his head, straightening it and brushes himself off. And then with a flourish, he throws his wand in Magic Brian’s direction, and with a grand flash of light, and a shout that echoes through the entire cave of " _ **A B R A C A F U C K Y O U !** "_ three bolts of magic go flying in the drow’s direction and crash into his chest.

  
  
He flies back, his feet leaving the ground, and hits the cave floor, rolling and skidding back several feet. His staff flies out of his hand, clattering to the ground, and he groans pitifully as he finally comes to a halt, rolling up weakly onto his elbows and knees. He coughs, and blood spatters the ground under him, streaking it beneath his hands as he crawls towards his staff. He’s very close to the edge of the pit now, and he grabs his staff in both hands, blood running down his face from his nose and mouth.

  
  
Standing up with a tremble in his legs, he says, ”It seems like you learned well from me, maybe. Did you maybe take a few pointers from my rad Magic Missile? Or was that a Taako original?”

  
  
Taako chuckles. “I- I actually already said my one cool thing, darling.”

  
  
Magic Brian laughs, wiping blood from his face with the back of his sleeve. “I understand completely. It seems zhat my goose might be cooked, ja? Ah, so, just - just one more trick up my sleeve, and we’ll see how you respond to zhis.”

  
  
Quick as a flash, he reaches down and grabs the unconscious Gundren by the scruff of the neck, and he rolls right off the edge of the pit with him. Shocked, all three adventurers just stare forward, and Magnus is the first to speak with an eloquent, “Oh shit.”

  
  
But then they see simultaneously, two small dwarven hands reach up and grab the edge of the pit- followed by two more small dwarven hands. At the same time, two identical Gundren Rockseekers crawl up, pulling themselves up onto stable ground. They’re identical in every way, down to the wear and tear on their skin and clothes. The pair of dwarves look at one another, and the on the right speaks up in a deep, gruff voice,

  
  
“Oh my god. Okay. I... I think I see what he’s trying to do here. Listen, you have to understand, I’m the real Gundren Rockseeker. You have to believe me. I can tell you anything you wanna know about the Rockseeker clan, I can tell you anything you wanna know about Phandalin, you have to believe me, I’m the real Gundren Rockseeker.”

  
  
The trio looks between the two of them, just as the one on the left speaks up in that same high-pitched lilting accent the drow was speaking in- “No, you must believe me! Zhis one on zhe right here is an impostor! I’m zhe _real_ Gundren Rockseeker! Ask me anything you want to know about... dwarves?”

  
Instantly, all three of them burst out laughing. Taako wipes tears from his eyes, as the Gundren on the right stares at his double with disgust in his eyes. “Okay,” Magnus speaks up. “Is it possible, that he has cursed the **other** Gundren Rockseeker to _sound_ German and weird -”

  
  
The Gundren on the left immediately lights up at the suggestion. “Zhat is exactly what he did! Zhat- he’s a bad boy! He’s a bad boy with lots of- all kinds of sinister magicks.”

  
  
Still laughing, Magnus walks up to the pair, and without hesitation, kicks the fake Gundren into the pit. The spell instantly breaks in a puff of smoke and Magic Brian falls down, down, down into the pit, his voice echoing back up, “Zhe mystery has been solved, you’ve solved my final riddle! Ah, I’ve landed on Bryan! Bryan, I’m so _proud of zem...”_

 

And that's the last anyone heard from Magic Brian.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know that whole thing with magic brian dying is supposed to be funny but tbh it just makes me real real sad


	6. Here There Be Gerblins - Chapter Five

Recuperating from the battle with Magic Brian is an event in itself. Merle suddenly remembers again that he has healing magic and does his best to top off his companion’s personal situations, bringing them back up to their top condition. Taako has a few bars of dried fruits and oats in his bag that he passes around, and they sip from Magnus’ ale flask. It’s oddly, refreshingly _normal_ after everything that’s happened to them.

  
  
Killian comes back in the room once she’s certain that the danger has passed, and looks around in shock. She approaches the adventurers, shaking her head in disbelief, grinning from ear to ear, clearly very impressed with all three of them. “ I cannot believe... you guys pulled that off. The - Brian, Magic Brian, is one of the most accomplished, powerful wizards I have ever met in all of my days. I - I am flabbergasted, frankly, that we all did not perish.”

  
  
Exhausted, both Taako and Magnus look up and say “Yep,” in unison.

  
  
“You’re welcome, I guess,” Taako adds. “I guess we’re pretty much rad.”

  
  
She walks over to the edge of the pit and looks down. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to recover something. None of you go anywhere.” she points at all four of them, Gundren included.

  
  
“Wait, hold up, before you go anywhere,” Magnus turns to her. “Can you tell us what all this is about?”

  
  
Killian sighs. “I promise I will tell you as soon as I am _literally_ able to,” she says. “Right now, I just- I absolutely can’t.”

  
  
Magnus sighs. “Sounds legit.”

  
  
“Look, I _want_ to-” Killian starts, but Taako cuts her off.

  
  
“No, listen. I have a little bit of expertise with the magics,” he says. “I’m assuming this is some sort of a... curse? That’s preventing further discussion from taking place.”

  
  
Killian sighs. “You’re not even - you’re super, super wrong. You’re like super, duper wrong.” She reaches into her sack and pulls out a feather duster and taps herself with it. Her entire body is covered in a faint grey light and she jumps into the pit, falling very slowly.

  
  
As soon as she’s out of sight and earshot, Magnus turns to his companions. “Okay, here’s the thing, fellas. There’s definitely something that they’re talking about that we can’t, like, mentally comprehend, right? We have to find out what’s going on. There’s some other level to this cave. Why did they need his blood, what is going on?

  
  
Gundren stands up and says, “I might be able to elucidate you.”

  
  
“Oh, thank goodness,” Taako says.

  
  
“But uh, you guys have done well. I’ll be honest, much better than I thought you were. This - this job has brought some unforeseen circumstances but you guys followed through, and - where’s Barry, by the way?” Gundren asks, patting himself down.

  
  
“Oh, he’s good,” Magnus reassures the dwarf.

  
  
“He’s back at the bar,” Merle clarifies.

  
  
Gundren chuckles. “Typical Barry, right? I might still need your help, just- just come with me.” he begins to lead the way through the doors, down another corridor. The others pack up their things quickly and jog to catch up with him. They pass through the chamber where the robot that took out Bryan was being stored, and Gundren leads them through another smaller set of doors, down a short tunnel that opens up to another room, the far wall of which is taken up by a round metal door, intricately carved and put together in a very complicated fashion, covered in gears and sophisticated machinery. 

  
Taako notices a figure in the corner of the room, huddled down on the ground. He approaches it curiously, hands on his hips, and looks it over. A skeleton is slumped comfortably against the wall, like it just laid down to take a nap and then died on the spot. It’s draped in a bright crimson robe, holding what looks like a cane, with a curled handle in one skeletal hand, the rest of which is obscured in the folds of its tattered robe.

  
  
Gundren looks at the figure and just shrugs, before turning his attention back to the door, while Taako kneels down to inspect the figure further. Strangely enough, the figure doesn’t seem to have any clothes on beneath the robe, or if it once did, they rotted away along with the body, while somehow leaving the robe behind, relatively untouched save for some wear and tear around the hems. Taako looks over the robe, but it just seems to be a plain robe.

  
  
“Dwarf! There’s a cane here to look at!” he calls over towards Merle. The dwarf walks up beside Taako, and leans in to inspect the robe and cane. He and Taako share a look, and the dwarf shrugs. He casts detect magic, hoping to figure out the school of magic that the cane comes from, and grips his head when a moment later he’s completely overwhelmed by the amount of information that starts swirling in his mind. He gets dizzy and faint, and staggers back, shaking his head. He’s used this spell many a time before on many a magic item, but it’s never been like this before. He can’t comprehend what school of magic the cane is from, because it seems to be _every one_ simultaneously. Without a word, he reaches out and grips the handle of the cane.

  
  
“So what kind of vibe did you get from it?” Taako asks, looking at the dwarf with some concern pinched in his brows.

  
  
“I’m uh, I’m kinda, uh, mind-blown right now, it’s like kind of hard for me to - to concentrate. I think I oughta wrap this in something and carry it instead of holdin’ on to it,” Merle says.

  
  
“Wrap it in the robe, that’s a good idea,” Taako says.

  
  
Merle pulls the robe off the figure and wraps the long cane up in the robe. As soon as Merle’s hand closes around the handle of the cane, a jolt of energy surges up his body. He’s flung backwards by a wave of force, thrown against the wall with a thump. He slumps to the ground with a groan, clutching his arm across his chest where a pain has started up in his ribs. Taako looks from the moaning dwarf back to the cane and rubs his hands together, and then reaches down to grip the cane.

  
  
He lifts it up, as bolts of lightning shoot out of Taako. As it unfurls from the robe, he realizes it wasn’t the end of a cane, but rather the handle of an umbrella. He holds it up as wind whips around the chamber, and the skeleton beneath him actually looks up directly at him, as if it’s acknowledging him. As soon as the umbrella changes hands, the robe and skeleton both disintegrate into ash, and are blown away and scattered in the dying winds.

  
  
Taako just holds it, staring down at the old thing. “So now I have an umbrella...” he finally says.

  
  
“I’m in a lot of pain over here!” Merle reminds him.

  
  
“Uh, you’re a cleric, right?” Taako looks back towards Merle, tucking the umbrella into his belt. “Walk it off.”

  
  
Gundren is just staring at Taako, mouth agape. “What the _shit_. What the shit was all that lightning stuff about? And the magic umbrella- you guys are _crazy_.”

  
  
“Handle it,” Taako says. “That’s what I do.”

  
  
Gundren shakes his head and puts his hand on the door. Very slowly, the gears begin to move. “You guys deserve some answers,” he says.

  
  
“Yeah!” Magnus agrees.

  
  
“Please,” Taako nods.

  
  
“And some money,” Merle adds.

  
  
“Well, maybe, yeah I - yes. Okay. Um. My father…” Gundren starts, but Merle holds up a hand.

  
  
“Hold on, I think it’s important that we get the truth,” he says, and quickly casts a spell that falls over them all in a glittering light.

  
  
Gundren squints at Merle. "Did you just cast some sort of magic spell on me?"

  
  
Unable now to lie because of his own spell, Merle says, "Yes."

  
  
Gundren laughs incredulously. "O-kay! That’s weird, I don’t really cotton to that, but uh -"

  
  
Merle points at the other dwarf. "Well I’m pissed off because you’re the one that sent us on this mission to get our asses kicked, cause you just admitted you didn’t think we could do it!"

  
  
Gundren sighs. "You’ve got every right, listen-"

  
Abruptly, Taako suddenly cries out, "I stole a bunch of gold! There was a whole thing of gold - I was just gonna remark about how we haven’t found any gold this whole time and how we were really upset about it but I’m sorry! I found a bunch of gold and here’s a third of the gold!" he tosses a bag of gold in Merle’s direction.

  
  
Taking advantage of the truthfulness, Magnus blurts, “I’m having a great time and I think we’re becoming closer as friends!”

  
  
Gundren shakes his head. “That’s. Very sweet. Anyway. My father, Cyrus Rockseeker was  in charge of security for Wave Echo Cave. When the orc marauders came to destroy Phandalin and seek out the Wave Echo Cave and take it over, he managed to very heroically lock away all of the magical items, magical weapons, uh, equipment, trinkets, everything, away in the mine’s personal vault, which is here behind me. Unfortunately in order to do so, he also had to... lock himself in. So he sadly sacrificed himself.”

  
  
“You okay?” Taako asks him gently.

  
  
“How long ago?” Merle asks.

  
  
“This was about a decade ago,” Gundren says.

  
  
Merle mutters, “Damn those orc marauders.”

  
  
“Yeah, there’s no hope of me opening this door and having a happy family reunion,” Gundren says as the gears continue to churn and crank slowly open. “Fortunately, this door is attuned to Rockseeker blood, so I can open it up and we can have ourselves a field day with the treasures and weapons and everything within.”

  
  
The door rolls open with a loud, clanking creak, opening to a small, dark corridor. All the rest of the rocks around them have been glowing up until now, but within the chamber is just absolute pitch darkness. The three adventurers share nervous glances, but Gundren seems unbothered and says “Well, here we go,” and just walks forward into the darkness.

  
  
“Some sort of light source in the tunnel might be a good idea,” Magnus says.

  
  
Merle nods and casts light, and just because he can, he makes the light a pale lavender. The four of them walk down the passageway and as they step foot into the chamber, the sound from the ground underneath isn’t the soft crunch they’ve come to expect from the cave floor, but rather a soft plink sound with every step. The light warps strangely off the floor and walls, bouncing around dizzily in every direction, and they look closer, inspecting the area around them. It’s Merle who first realizes that everything inside this chamber is comprised of solid black glass- the floors, the walls, the towering domed ceiling- everything is made of obsidian.

  
  
“Something’s not right,” Gundren mutters, and moves in towards the center of the chamber. In the dead center of the room, a small dwarven figure is crouched, badly burned through and through, resembling charcoal, with one hand sticking up in the air, encased in a shining silver gauntlet.

  
  
“Okay...” Taako looks all around them uneasily.   
  
  
Gundren approaches the figure with a sigh. “This is my pop,” he says, scrubbing a hand over his face. “That’s my dad.”

  
  
“Do you know anything about the glove that he’s wearing?” Taako asks, approaching cautiously, gripping his umbrella now in both hands. Gundren has started to shake with restrained anger. 

  
Gundren shakes his head. “It seems like some sort of magical artifact, but everything in th - this room is supposed to be _filled_ with - with magic weapons, and impossible armaments that - I don’t understand what’s going on!”

  
  
“Calm down there, Bucko,” Taako raises his umbrella length-wise between them, holding it in both hands. As he moves closer, he waves the umbrella at the glove, curious to see if there’s any kind of reaction. There doesn’t seem to be anything, but before he can investigate further, from behind them they hear,

  
  
“ _What_ did I tell you!” they whip around to find Killian standing in the doorway, re-armed with her crossbow and looking very disappointed. “I told you guys to stay put! I don’t understand why you keep being so difficult. I don’t understand why any of you are here!”

  
  
“We got bored,” Taako shrugs.

  
  
“You left for hours, it felt like,” Magnus agrees.

  
  
“It was a _minute and a half_ ,” Killian says, exasperated. “It was ninety whole seconds. You guys couldn’t stand still for ninety whole seconds.” sighing, she surveys the room, and her eyes widen as they fall on the gauntlet in the middle of the room. “Everybody. Very slowly. Step away. That is what I came here looking for. It is _indescribably dangerous._ Everybody step away from the enchanted gauntlet, please.”

  
  
Gundren stands very close to the gauntlet, his expression dark and possessive. In a growling tone, he demands, “Are you guys here with this filthy orc?”

  
  
Immediately, all three adventurers splutter surprised and shocked sounds. None of them are completely able to string together a full defense, either on their behalf or Killian’s, they’re so shocked by Gundren’s outburst.

  
  
“Whoa, hey!” Merle squints at Gundren in shock, displeased by this new side of Gundren he’s seeing all of a suddden.

  
  
“Hey, cheese it with the racism, Gundro,” Taako adds. He might have been refusing to help Killian not so long ago, but hey, when Taako changes his mind about someone, that’s that.

  
  
“Let’s be cool,” Magnus agrees, raising his hands and glancing between Killian and Gundren uneasily.

  
  
“We’re all just one brotherhood of man,” Taako folds his arms over his chest.

  
  
“He’s a racist!” Merle blurts, he honestly can’t believe it. Sure, he and Gundren have never been close friends, but still, you think you know a guy!

  
  
Killian, on the other hand, doesn’t look all that surprised. She just looks disappointed, shaking her head at Gundren. “Did you just call me filthy, dude?”

  
  
Magnus steps forward, still holding up his hands, hoping to diffuse some of the tension. “Hey everybody, we’re gonna take just two steps back, real quick, and calm down here.”

  
  
Defensively, Gundren growls, “This gauntlet- everything in this vault is my _birthright_. There’s no way I’m giving this thing up to you.”

  
  
Killian puffs up a little in aggravation. “Don’t test me. Don’t test me. I had a real long day. I got all webbed up in the other room, hated that.”

  
  
Gundren looks back towards Merle, Magnus and Taako. “Boys, you’ve served me very well. I have one last job for you. I need you to take her out.”

  
  
Collectively, all three adventurers feel their stomachs drop out beneath them. They share a panicked, conflicted look, and then glance from the furious Gundren over to Killian, who doesn’t really even look shocked or angry- she just looks hurt.

  
  
“Hold up,” she says. “Not so sure about that decision! Doesn’t seem like a good one.”

  
  
Magnus throws his hands up again, stepping up bodily between Killian and Gundren. "Now hold on, stop. Everybody stop. Gundren, do you know why this room is empty and there’s a gauntlet on a dude’s hand."

  
  
Gundren growls, "I don’t know why this is the only thing in this room. But I know that it’s mine."

  
  
Magnus sighs, and turns his attention to the orc. "Killian, do you know why that is?"

  
Killian folds her arms. "I have a pretty good goddamn idea, yeah."

  
  
Magnus nods. "Okay, so Gundren, how about we chill the fuck out and we find out what’s going on?"

  
  
Taako adds, "Killian, are you able to talk to us freely at this point?"

  
  
Killian sighs in frustration. "I can’t - I can talk to you as much as you - here, here, this might answer your question. That thing is called the p̡͠͡h͟͠͡o̸͘͡e̢͟͠҉n̶̵i̴͘҉͟҉x̴̡͠ ̶͝͝f̵̶͏̶͝i͏̨r̶͢e̵̛͜͞ ̛͡g̸̷̨͘͟a͏̷͘u͞n̡͘ţ̕͡l̶͠͞e̷͟t̡͠."

  
  
Magnus sucks air through his teeth. No dice. "Mhm. It’s called the maraca sound."

  
  
Killian grunts. "It’s not called the _maraca sound,_ I _can’t_ tell you what it is. Gundren, step. Off. You are done. You’re done. We’re done here."

  
  
Gundren says, “Or, better idea.”

  
  
He doesn’t finish his thought verbally, he just reaches over and grabs the gauntlet, breaking his father’s charred arm right off. It crumbles into dust, along with the rest of his body, just breaking apart into ashes, and Gundren slips the glove onto his own hand without hesitation.

  
  
Killian’s cry of “ _No!”_ is drowned out by Gundren’s scream of agony as his entire body burst into flames like he was just immolated from the inside out. All four of them, Killian included, are awash in overpowering heat, the force of the flames whipping through the air cause such a gust that Taako and Merle are blown back off their feet, sliding a couple yards across the glass floor.

  
  
The flames subside and they turn, expecting to see a burnt dwarf, similar to the state they found his father in before- but standing in the same place is Gundren, his hair whipping all around his face and shoulders like flames, his eyes are glowing bright white, and his entire body is trembling violently.

  
  
“Gundren, how do you feel?” Taako asks, hesitantly climbing back to his feet and sharing a look with Merle as he helps the dwarf up as well.

  
  
“I feel...” Gundren gasps, his voice soft and shaking. “ _Powerful_.”

  
  
Killian sighs. “Well. Shit.” she pulls her crossbow off her back and without any preamble, shoots a bolt right at Gundren. It zips through the air, but Gundren throw his hand up and emits a heat wave so powerful that the bolt just disintegrates in midair. Realizing her mistake, she takes a step back. “Everyone get away... from the fiery dwarf, now,” she says, keeping her voice even and calm.

  
  
Magnus apparently has no intention of doing that, and shield raised, he charges directly at Gundren. He doesn’t even get halfway to him, however, before Gundren throws his hand up and a fiery blast shoots out of his palm and into Magnus, tossing him like a ragdoll. He hits the ground hard, grunting in pain as the edges of his armor where Bryan the spider had warped it earlier dig into his sides and reopen those wounds, slicing him bloody as he slides across the glass floor in a heap.

  
  
“I’m done with this,” Gundren growls. “It’s _payback_ time.”

  
  
Fire engulfs his lower body and quick as anything, he scorches a path through the air that knocks back all four adventurers, and he soars through the open vault door and back the way they came through the mine.

  
  
Staggering back to her feet, Killian snaps, “That went... about as shitty as it _possibly_ could have gone. Great job, you three!”

  
  
Magnus rolls up to his feet. “I almost had him!” he shouts back at her.

  
  
She says, “We need to get him. And we need to find him. And we need to stop him. Before he destroys the whole world. Ya’ll down?”

  
  
Magnus nods. “Super clear.”

  
  
“Well, okay,” Merle says, still a little salty at the new discovery about his cousin.

  
  
“Sure,” Taako adds, “Hey, Killian, I’m detecting that glove was magical.”

  
  
Killian stares at him, aghast. “Yep,” is all she can think to say. “You are a _very powerful_ wizard to pick up on that.”

  
  
Taako just smiles. “Oh, well thank you.”

  
  
 She rolls her eyes and hefts her crossbow back up onto her back, leading the way back through wave echo cave. They pass back through the room where they faced Brian and Bryan and check the pit just to make sure they’re still down there (they can’t see down that far, but Taako throws a rock down to listen for if it hits a big spider body) and back through the room with the defeated crusher, which Killian apologizes sheepishly for, carefully around the path with the spring for which the cave is named after, and then past the mushrooms and dead jellies. They surface a few minutes later and feel the warmth of the fading sun on their skin for the first time in hours.

  
  
It’s easy to track Gundren’s movements, because he’s left a charred path behind him. They can immediately tell which direction he went in, and following him clearly won’t be a struggle. They all hop back up onto the cart and follow the swathe of destruction, the scorched earth crunching under the hooves of the oxen, the path flanked on either side by burnt, charred trees and scorched-bare ground, the edges of which are circled by dry, dead grass. Nothing is alive for at least thirty feet on either side of the path, everything has just been absolutely immolated by Gundren’s warpath, back towards Phandalin.

  
  
Killian’s muscles all locked up as soon as they left, and she has yet to relax. If she could get up and pace, she would. Frustrated by the slow moving oxen, she just keeps clenching the material of her pants in her fists over and over again. “This is, this is bad,” she says, her leg bouncing. “We can’t let him- if he gets to Phandalin, it’s gonna be _pretty_ horrible. We _gotta_ stop him before he gets there.”

  
  
Nobody’s going to argue with that. Magnus tries to urge the oxen to go faster, but they can’t seem to be convinced to trot for more than short bursts at a time every few minutes, and he’d really rather not whip them if he can help it- not that Killian seems to share that opinion.

  
  
As they round a bend, Magnus is the first to notice the harrowing sight they come upon, and with a quiet command and a tug on the reins, he slows the tired oxen to an amble, his brow furrowing. Closest to the window, Taako turns to look at what’s made them slow, and his eyes widen at the sight of a convoy of wagons that have been blown to smithereens, still smoldering and burning in places, with blackened bodies scattered all about the wreckage. Killian pushes between them to get a look out the front opening and sucks in a breath.

  
  
“Those are orcs,” she says, easily identifying the make of the wagons, even though the bodies are charred beyond identification.

  
  
“This had to be Gundren,” Merle says, though it isn’t a huge leap of logic for any of them to make. Magnus stops their cart altogether and gives his team a quiet heads up whistle to alert them to the fact that there appear to be four human figures picking over the wreckage like vultures, stepping between burning debris and turning over the carnage, picking it like flies for anything of value to load up their cart with. 

  
In the back of their cart, Killian is the first to notice a cage holding a young orc boy, sitting with his back against the bars, hugging his knees and looking terrified- the only survivor of the carnage in front of him. She gives Magnus’ arm a little swat and points at the cage silently. His nostrils flare in indignance at the sight.

  
  
“I know we’re in a hurry,” she says quietly as they all take in the sight of the trapped boy. “It’s up to you guys. It’s your call.”

  
  
“We can’t just _leave_ him,” Magnus says, already dismounting the cart, rushing in to help the boy.

  
  
Cursing softly, Taako scrambles out the back to join him, while Merle flips over onto his stomach to drop down to the earth below the cart, and Killian hops out beside him. Naturally, Magnus takes the lead, approaching the four vagabonds with intent, scanning them over to try and estimate how much of a challenge they’ll be if they try to square off. They’re very dirty, a couple of them don’t even have shoes, and they’re all armed with swords and daggers that look like they’ve been cobbled together out of various weapons.

  
  
One of them notices movement out of the corner of his eye and looks up to see Magnus rushing in, and he throws his hands up, dropping the piece of charred metal he’d been holding and showing his blackened palms to the adventurer.

  
  
“Oh hey, some guys, yo, hey! Slow your roll!” he shouts, snagging the attention of his compatriots, who all put their hands on the hilts of their weapons. The vagabond nearest to Magnus chuckles, hands still raised. “Slow your roll, pard’ner! We’re just pickin’ the bones of this scene, we didn’t do any of this, we promise. We’re just four honest, fools tryin’ to turn a buck in this hard, cold world. Certainly y’all three can sympathize with that?”

  
  
Magnus sighs. They’re honestly more reasonable than he’d been expecting, and he removes his own hand from his axe, hoping the others will return the favor. They do not. “I respect your motivations,” he says, “And we don’t have much time. Give me the boy and we’ll be on our way.”

  
  
The man looks back at his buddies, at the orc boy, and then back to Magnus, and laughs. “Aw, what’re _you_ gonna do with a orc boy, huh? You gonna train him up to be your ward? He’s not some pet dog that you can adopt.”

  
  
“Then why do you have him in a cage?” Magnus demands impatiently.

  
  
The scoundrel, to his credit, answers honestly, “For sellin’!”

  
  
Magnus feels his stomach turn, but he can’t honestly say he’s surprised. Taako approaches the scene now and stands beside Magnus, wand in hand and arms crossed with as much menace as he can muster- which isn’t much for a wizard his size, but he does tip his wizard hat at a gangster angle.

  
  
“And what do you think happens to him after you sell him?” Taako asks, even though he knows the likelihood of compelling these people to have an ounce of human decency is pretty fucking low.

  
  
“Well that ain’t my problem,” says the vagabond, “I just get the money for sellin’ him.” 

  
“Listen, I’m gonna give you to three,” Taako continues. “We really got a lot to do-”

  
  
But the scoundrel cuts him off with a laugh, his hand dropping to the hilt of his sword. “I’m uh- I’m gonna say some cool shit now- me an’ my posse are gonna give you to _two!”_

  
  
Sensing that this is going nowhere, but feeling compelled to continue the banter, Magnus takes a step forward. “We’ll give you to one!”

  
  
The vagabond sneers with jagged yellow teeth. “Well how ‘bout this? Zero, motherfuckers!”

  
  
And with that, all four of them whip out their weapons. With a sigh and a roll of his eyes, Magnus follows suit, pulling his axe off his back. Killian dashes up beside him, crossbow raised.

  
  
“Hey guys, let’s try and make this quick,” she says, cocking back the mechanism on her bow. Before Magnus can even make a move towards the first ruffian, she fires the first blow of the fight, and a bolt the size of a short spear goes flying out of the end of her crossbow, and hits the leader square in the chest with such force that it knocks him horizontal back off his feet. He soars at least ten feet back through the air and hits the ground with a thud, sliding back through the dirt and ash with a scream of pain. He clutches the place the bolt is stuck into his chest and groans in agony, twisting and weak on the ground.

  
  
Magnus shakes the dumbstruck look off his face and flexes his hands over the handle of his axe. He leaps up to the nearest thug to him and raises his axe overhead just as he raises his own pair of short swords with a sneering, “Bring it on, tough guy!” and Magnus brings his axe down in a terrible strike, slicing clear through his leather armor and digging a deep, horrible gash across his chest and belly. The bandit staggers back, dropping his swords, gurgling, “Hold up... ohh, hold up. Oh dang. Ohhh dang. Oh dang… Ohhh daaang.

  
The other two uninjured ruffians raise their weapons and look like they’re about to make a move towards Magnus and gang up on him. Thinking quickly, Merle casts a simple cantrip to make his voice louder and cups his hands around his mouth, his voice projecting and booming out of him and echoing down the hill.

  
  
“There’s only four of ‘em! Platoon one, attack from the east! Platoon two, attack from the west!”

  
  
Magnus gives Merle a look, surprised by his competency, as the other two ruffians pause in shock. They look at one another, and then look back at their wounded leader, who is struggling to sit up, clutching the spear sticking clear out of his sternum.

  
  
“Whadda we do?” they ask uneasily, shifting their weight from foot to foot and holding onto their weapons. They definitely look itchy, like they’re seriously weighing the pros and cons of running and abandoning their two injured teammates.

  
  
Their leader, gasping and just barely clinging to life, props himself up on an elbow and wheezes, “ I don’t - I don’t know man, I gue... I guess, I guess go check it out?”

  
  
With a shrug, the two of them split off to the east and west to go in search of the supposed reinforcements that are waiting just out of sight, leaving their injured party members behind on the ground.

  
  
Taako gives a whoop. “Guys! Did you hear that? Did you hear from the hills? There’s an army supporting us! I think we’re gonna win this thing!”

  
  
Magnus sighs. “Yeah, Taako, definitely.”

  
  
“Hold on, I got this,” he says, and flicks his wand through the air. The instant his magic missile bolts make contact with the injured bandits, they’re both killed, flattened down to their backs. Taako blows off the end of his wand and attempts a cool wand spinning trick, but drops it.

  
  
Magnus rushes forward to grab the keys off of the leader bandit, and unlocks the cage holding the cowering orc boy inside. The orc climbs out of the cage and gives a cursory glance over Magnus, Merle and Taako, but doesn’t actually address any of them. He picks up a sword off the ground and then dashes into the woods without so much as a thanks.

  
  
“Okay, bye!” Magnus calls after him, shaking his head. Teenagers.

  
  
Killian sighs and shakes her head, patting Magnus on the shoulder. “Wow what a... what an ingrate. What a jerk. Orc kids these days, I tell ya.”

  
  
Taako comes up to them while Magnus begins shuffling through their cart, looking for anything useful. “Did you know him?” he asks her.

  
  
She stares down at him. “Are you kidding - now- now who’s the racist?” she pulls a mocking voice, “Yeah, oh, do you know Steven? He’s an orc too.”

  
  
“We don’t have time for this,” Magnus says as he pockets a deck of playing card enchanted to cheat.

  
  
Narrowing his eyes in confusion, all Taako says is, “I don’t know a Steven.”


End file.
